AP NEWS ROUNDUP

Putin banned from future Oscar ceremonies. Vladimir Putin, Russian President has been permanently barred from future Oscar shows for “gross and unwarranted nip-slips.”

Chicago aldermen oppose naming Federal building after Eliot Ness. Chicago’s city council passed a resolution yesterday opposing the renaming of the Washington building that houses the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (A.T.F.) after Eliot Ness the agent who brought down Al Capone and was memorialized in the TV show and movie, “The Untouchables.” Alderman complained that Ness was overrated, but some believe they actually want to name the building after Capone, who supported so many Chicago aldermen and their families.

Court dismisses charges against man who took upskirt pictures on the subway. The Massachusetts Supreme Court refused to apply a law against secretly photographing nude or partly nude people who reasonably expected privacy, known as the “public privacy protection act (PPPA). The ruling acquitted a man “who had taken cell phone photos and videos of women’s crotches on the Boston Subway” apparently because the law did not specify the particular acts charged. The State Legislature is considering curative amendments to be more specific and will be renamed the Protect Privacy in Public and omnibus Pudenda Prevention Piracy Act of 2014, or, PPP0PPPA. In any event, the legislature is hell-bent on protecting the privacy of publicly presented pudenda and keeping unaware subway riders’ Petticoat Junctions off the internet.

No serious injuries as pregnant Florida woman drives van into ocean with three children strapped in Van. Investigators are trying to determine the woman’s mental state. Meanwhile, Florida authorities have charged her with attempted abortion.

MITT: R.I.P. ETCH-A-SKETCH

November 1, 2012(AP). Today’s Times says, “In Dwindling Days of the Race, Romney Takes a Softer Tack.” A G.O.P. operative, identified only as “disgusted in America,” said Romney was jealous of the attention Chris Christie got for praising the President’s work with hurricane damage. But, in a tragic sequel, burdened with overwork, the famous Etch-A-Sketch shattered into a million pieces.

As The Reverend Jesse Jackson said, “It’s a sign from heaven: Romney will no longer shake, rattle, or roll that infamous toy, no longer flip, flop, or fly, no longer swivel, be uncivil, or speak drivel, no longer be white in Grosse Pointe and black in Harlem, or love Nascar in Brooklyn, Michigan and bagels in Brooklyn, New York, or be a Wolverine in Ann Arbor, a Buckeye in Columbus, and a Nittany Lion in Winter. . .” Then, Jackson broke down in tears at the beauty of his own rhetoric.

But he recovered just long enough to say, “my humble speech would be praised by Lincoln at Gettysburg, Churchill in London, and Cicero of Illinois.

 

 

HOME HIS CASTLE SO MONTANA ADULTERER GETS AWAY WITH KILLING AGGRIEVED HUSBAND

In Montana, an adulterer shot and killed the aggrieved husband in the adulterer’s garage. The husband was unarmed and had entered the garage, whereupon the adulterer ran into the house, got a gun, and returned to the garage, shooting the unarmed man point blank. While this would have been prosecutable homicide throughout the U.S. until recently, the prosecutor said he was forced to pass on the case because Montana’s “home is a castle law” gave the homeowner the right to shoot after he claimed he had a reasonable belief that he was about to be assaulted.

 Our legal consultant, Sheki M. Beki, Esq., says that in Montana and other states with laws, promoted by the National Rifle Association, you may legally preempt a possible slap on the face with a planned, premeditated, bullet to the heart.

The NRA, thrilled that their model law is working on the Great Plains, announces the annual Lone Ranger award, given to the gun-totin’ hombre who best exemplifies the motto, “return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear.” It rejected an idea to open a travel agency to help disgruntled spouses move to Montana. The new travel agency would have been called "Expedient."

 

 

NEWS ROUNDUP

October 22, 2012(AP). In Brookfield, Wisconsin Sunday morning, a gunman shot and killed three women and injured others in a one-man raid on a salon and spa. The gunman fled, but was later found dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Police theorized that the incident was the result of a marital dispute.

 A spokesman for the National Rifle Association aggressively defended the gunman’s action as “an unexceptionable exercise of his second amendment rights as declared by the U.S. Supreme Court. In the NRA’s War on Peace, as in any war, “collateral damage is the unfortunate but inevitable result of combat. Guns don’t kill people, bullets kill people.”

In Kountze, Texas, the superintendant of schools ordered public high school cheerleaders to stop holding up banners with biblical verses at football games. He said it violated a U.S. Supreme Court ruling on the first amendment, angering the townspeople. The First Baptist Church answered on its marquee. “We must obey God rather than men.”

Sheki Mbeki of the American Civil Ironies Union (ACIU) said, “The Supreme Court is like fresh fruit. You love it when it agrees with you and hate it when it gives you diarrhea.”

NEWS ROUNDUP

Antitrust Case. According to a New York Times report today, filings in the antitrust case on price fixing e-books laid out their defense against “the government’s charges that publishers had conspired in e-mails, telephone conversations and over lavish dinners in Manhattan restaurants.”

Assistant attorney general Lavish MacTavish said, “Sinful, Lucullan, hedonistic dinners, especially in Manhattan, are a known indicator of collusive price fixing. Had they met over franks and fries at Nathan’s or cream cheese on date-nut bread at Chock Full O Nuts, this whole thing might have been settled immediately. We thank the fearless journalists at the Times for letting the public know that book executives are self-indulgent sybarites and will surely go to Hell.”

Defense Of Marriage Act Called Unconstitutional. A federal appeals court in Boston ruled today that the law denying federal benefits to married gay couples is unconstitutional. An appeal to the Supreme Court is believed certain.

A government attorney called the head of the gay rights group and laughingly told him, “conservative justices will eat you alive,” to which the gay spokesman replied, “Fine by me. All five of them, or can I just pick Roberts?”

Name Changes Denied. The FDA denied a request by the Corn Refiners Association to change the name “high fructose corn syrup” to “corn sugar,” because “sugar” means solid or crystalline. Then they denied a request to change “boneless chicken wings” to “manufactured chickenoid product containing poultry meat and a ton of other crap” because most Americans would fall asleep before reading the entire name.

And the NRA’s request to change its name to “National Protection Association,” was denied the patent and trade mark office because of a strong protest by the Mafia that it would violate its copyright

ROMNEY SAID TO ENTER TWELVE-STEP PROGRAM

March 2, 2012(AP). Republican presidential candidate, Willard “Mitt” Romney, has entered the twelve-step program, “Moderates Anonymous,” according to a member who insisted on anonymity because he was “committing a humongous breach of trust.”

Romney admitted to being a “recovering moderate” and vowed to “fake it ‘til I make it.” He said he hadn’t been moderate for two years, four months, and six days, but still must fight frequent urges to think rationally “with every weapon at my disposal.” He prays to an idol in the likeness of Grover Norquist, who Romney called “my higher power,” and by calling on his sponsor, Sarah Palin. She advises him to avoid moderate thought by giving up thinking altogether, “as I did many years ago.”

In a related story, Mr. Romney said we could solve the health care crisis by shipping poor people to Canada strapped to the tops of automobiles.

In other news, Herman Cain entered a clinic for sex addicts but was promptly thrown out because he groped six patients and two nurses on the first day. They alleged he leered at them and said, “hey honey, you want a job?”

NEWS ROUNDUP

International.

Myanmar. U.S. Secretary of State Clinton announced today restoration of diplomatic relations with Myanmar following reforms including the release of political prisoners and a cease fire with Karen rebels. The full text of her message:

Stopped shooting at the rebels

Released jailed critics brave

We welcome your ambassador

With a Burma Wave.

Israel The health department has ordered saliva tests for Ultra Orthodox Jews who spat on an eight year old Modern Orthodox girl walking to school through their neighborhood in Beit Shemesh. A department spokesman said, “Maybe they’re all on steroids. Haven’t you ever wondered how they carry around those heavy Torahs week after week?

On the campaign trail.

Gingrich. The AP’s private detective, reports that Newt Gringrich’s foreplay is to mount Calista from the rear, spank her butt, and cry, “Who’s your daddy now, Mitt?”

Cain. Herman Cain “unsuspended” his campaign and announced his new “1,1,1” plan to reduce poverty and unemployment. Instead of welfare, food stamps, and unemployment compensation the government will issue to each qualified applicant 1 mask, 1 gun, and 1 list of 7/11 stores in his or her area. “Everybody benefits,” Cain says. “the government will save billions, poor people will work and support themselves, and the NRA will contribute to my campaign. 1,1,1, is win-win-win.”

In a related story, Mr. Cain tried to get on the primary ballot in Missa-missa- sip-sip-sip sippitty sip pee” but can’t find it on the “mapitty mapmap mapmap.”

Second amendment.

The National Rifle Association announced its plan to supply pediatricians with tiny low-caliber pistols to give their patients instead of lolly pops. The campaign will be called “Small Arms for Little Hands.”