Washington, April 29, 2009 (AP). As President Obama welcomed Senator Arlen Specter into the fold, Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, the Republican leader, said, “The danger of that for the country is that there won’t automatically be an ability to restrain the excess that is typically associated with big majorities and single-party rule.”
This utterance sparked a lively debate among academic language experts and connoisseurs of words, one side arguing that the statement was hypocrisy, while the other maintained it was unselfconscious irony. Other voices brandished thesauri and added pietism, cant, pious fraud, lip-devotion, lip-service, lip-reverence, and sanctimony. Listening intently to this academic debate, former President Bush said, “huh?” and went about his retirement activity of clearing brush from his cerebrum.
In a related story, Mr. Bush, asked about the outbreak of swine flu, said, “That’s like ‘I’ll lend you money when pigs fly, or in the past tense, when swine flew.’ ” Mr. Bush then went back to his retirement activity of arranging his library alphabetically by super hero.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
NEWS ROUNDUP
University Of Michigan Sued Over Stadium
Ann Arbor, April 21 (AP). A suit on behalf of Russia against the University of Michigan was filed today in United States District Court seeking an injunction to prevent completion of Michigan Stadium renovations because of what the plaintiff’s lawyer described as “a startling resemblance to the classic design of Moscow’s Lubyanka Prison.” He asked that the venue be changed when the Judge, the bailiff and the court reporter joined the Defense attorney in singing “Hail to the Victors.”
Delta To Add Charges for Bags
Atlanta, April 21 (AP). Delta airlines announced today it would charge senior citizens $25.00 each for bags under their eyes. This follows yesterday’s announced psychiatric screening of passengers for emotional baggage, and a set-up charge to passengers who bring food aboard. An old man with a neurotic attachment to his mother and a salami sandwich could be expected to pay as much as $125 in add-ons on a typical Detroit to Dallas flight. Elderly frequent flyers are advised that it would be cheaper to have the bags removed surgically.
Accused Pirate Arrives in New York
New York, April 21 (AP). Suspected Somali pirate Abduhl Wali-i-Musi arrived in New York today to plead to a charge of piracy. The judge began the plea hearing asking the suspect, “got a little of the Captain in ya?” The suspect would say only, “arrrggghhh!”
Ann Arbor, April 21 (AP). A suit on behalf of Russia against the University of Michigan was filed today in United States District Court seeking an injunction to prevent completion of Michigan Stadium renovations because of what the plaintiff’s lawyer described as “a startling resemblance to the classic design of Moscow’s Lubyanka Prison.” He asked that the venue be changed when the Judge, the bailiff and the court reporter joined the Defense attorney in singing “Hail to the Victors.”
Delta To Add Charges for Bags
Atlanta, April 21 (AP). Delta airlines announced today it would charge senior citizens $25.00 each for bags under their eyes. This follows yesterday’s announced psychiatric screening of passengers for emotional baggage, and a set-up charge to passengers who bring food aboard. An old man with a neurotic attachment to his mother and a salami sandwich could be expected to pay as much as $125 in add-ons on a typical Detroit to Dallas flight. Elderly frequent flyers are advised that it would be cheaper to have the bags removed surgically.
Accused Pirate Arrives in New York
New York, April 21 (AP). Suspected Somali pirate Abduhl Wali-i-Musi arrived in New York today to plead to a charge of piracy. The judge began the plea hearing asking the suspect, “got a little of the Captain in ya?” The suspect would say only, “arrrggghhh!”
SPORTS ROUNDUP
Putting Your Money Where Your Money Is
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