"The best way to preserve our freedom is to run off at the mouth." N. Nonymous
"Give a man a pencil and he can write what he wants; give him a computer and he can annoy the world." Sheki Mbeki, Contributing Editor.
Welcome to The Apocryphal Press
The Apocryphal Press (AP) satirizes the real news. Any resemblance to real news just shows how badly it needs satirizing. All content is by Marty Smith, who is jackass enough to own up to it in public. Note that postings written before this blog's January 23, 2008 debut were back dated to their appropriate places in history, Three of them go back to 2007. Laugh if you will, cry if you must, bitch if you want to.
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Austin, TX. In a dispatch dated February 17 headlined “Meet the Flintstones,” The Texas Tribune reported that “Nearly a third of Texans believe humans and dinosaurs roamed the earth at the same time, and more than half disagree with the theory that humans developed from earlier species of animals, according to the University of Texas/Texas Tribune Poll.”
Many of the poll’s respondents said they had actually visited the natural history museum and given names to the dinosaurs, including Rush, Glenn, Sarah, Newt, and Frist. Some also honored neo-dinosaurs, Mitt, Rudy, and Lieberman.
Torrance, California. The Times reports that “James E. Lentz III, the president of Toyota Motor Sales U.S.A., said today that Toyota's huge recall might “not totally” solve the problem of unintended sudden acceleration in some of its vehicles. Mr. Lentz made the statement in a phone call from his Avalon stuck on a pedestrian overpass on the San Diego Freeway. Investigators said the auto had barely avoided a crash with a DC-9 taking off from San DiegoInternationalAirport. They said Mr. Lentz was saved because his car was going faster than the plane.
Vancouver, B.C. Canada. A spokesman for the Winter Olympics denied today that the events Men’s Super Combined and Men’s Half Pipe had anything to do with gay sex or crack smoking.
DUELING METAPHORS DEPARTMENT: Tea Party Lights Fuse for Rebellion on Right
OVERDONE METAPHORS DEPARTMENT: Democrats Reel as Senator Says No to 3rd Term
MISLEADING HEADLINE DEPARTMENT: Secret Joint Raid Captures Taliban’s Top Commander has nothing to do with marijuana cigarettes or bong hits.
REAL HEADLINES WITH IMAGINED SUBHEADS: 1. White House Invites Congressional Leaders to Summit New Obama Aide, Pied Piper, To Push Them Off 2. Pope Urges Irish Bishops to Confront Sex Abuse Bishops Demur, Prefer Looking Other Way While Screwing Choirboys
SAME STORY, A DIFFERENT EDITION: Pope Meets Irish Clergy to Discuss Clergy Abuse Clergy: “If choirboys abuse us, we forgive them.”
HEADLINES MEANT TO BE UNDERSTOOD ONLY BY INSIDERS: 1. Heavy Snow Postpones Men’s Super Combined 2. After the Cohen Debacle, a Chance to Show Skill
