APOCRYPHAL PRESS NEWS ROUNDUP July 1, 2009

FRANKEN TO BE SWORN IN AS MINNESOTA SENATOR

Minneapolis (AP). Democrat Al Franken, satirist and comic TV actor, will be sworn in as Minnesota’s junior senator after a long battle in the courts over absentee votes. The Supreme Court of Minnesota ended the argument by ruling, “he’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and, doggonit, 311 people liked him more than liked his opponent!” Franken said, “"All I have to do is be the best Senator Al I can be."

SEX SOCIETY CHANGES ITS NAME

Intercourse, PA (AP). Billing itself as the world’s only organization to demand good manners in sexual relations, The Politeness in Sex Society has changed its name to “The American Civil Libertines Union,” according to its spokesman who said that the acronym PISS was “creating misunderstandings.” The group requires men who join to wrap their membership cards around their penises and to refer to them as “card carrying members.”

CLINTON DEMONS DISCOVERED IN SOUTH CAROLINA

Columbia, SC (AP). Family-values advocate Governor Mark “what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the goose” Sanford of South Carolina, revealed recently that, in addition to the pan-hemispheric affair that started his troubles, he has had numerous incidents of “flirting” with women, some involving “touching.”

Sanford broke off the affair with his South American mistress singing, “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina,” and said he would try to fall in love with his wife again. “If Sisyphus could roll that boulder uphill, I can find happiness with the old ball-and-chain again,” he sighed. He then announced he was entering therapy with an exorcist to rid himself of the Bill Clinton demons that somehow had entered his body.

Sanford received get-well wishes from Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who said, “Lotsa luck open-fly boy.”

MC CONNELL COMMENTS ON SPECTER PARTY SWITCH

Washington, April 29, 2009 (AP). As President Obama welcomed Senator Arlen Specter into the fold, Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, the Republican leader, said, “The danger of that for the country is that there won’t automatically be an ability to restrain the excess that is typically associated with big majorities and single-party rule.”

This utterance sparked a lively debate among academic language experts and connoisseurs of words, one side arguing that the statement was hypocrisy, while the other maintained it was unselfconscious irony. Other voices brandished thesauri and added pietism, cant, pious fraud, lip-devotion, lip-service, lip-reverence, and sanctimony. Listening intently to this academic debate, former President Bush said, “huh?” and went about his retirement activity of clearing brush from his cerebrum.

In a related story, Mr. Bush, asked about the outbreak of swine flu, said, “That’s like ‘I’ll lend you money when pigs fly, or in the past tense, when swine flew.’ ” Mr. Bush then went back to his retirement activity of arranging his library alphabetically by super hero.

NEWS ROUNDUP

University Of Michigan Sued Over Stadium

Ann Arbor, April 21 (AP). A suit on behalf of Russia against the University of Michigan was filed today in United States District Court seeking an injunction to prevent completion of Michigan Stadium renovations because of what the plaintiff’s lawyer described as “a startling resemblance to the classic design of Moscow’s Lubyanka Prison.” He asked that the venue be changed when the Judge, the bailiff and the court reporter joined the Defense attorney in singing “Hail to the Victors.”

Delta To Add Charges for Bags

Atlanta, April 21 (AP). Delta airlines announced today it would charge senior citizens $25.00 each for bags under their eyes. This follows yesterday’s announced psychiatric screening of passengers for emotional baggage, and a set-up charge to passengers who bring food aboard. An old man with a neurotic attachment to his mother and a salami sandwich could be expected to pay as much as $125 in add-ons on a typical Detroit to Dallas flight. Elderly frequent flyers are advised that it would be cheaper to have the bags removed surgically.

Accused Pirate Arrives in New York

New York, April 21 (AP). Suspected Somali pirate Abduhl Wali-i-Musi arrived in New York today to plead to a charge of piracy. The judge began the plea hearing asking the suspect, “got a little of the Captain in ya?” The suspect would say only, “arrrggghhh!”

SPORTS ROUNDUP

Putting Your Money Where Your Money Is

New York, April 21 (AP). According to the New York Times, Major League Baseball has an “army of authenticators . . . a team of 120 active and retired law-enforcement officials watching every game from up close . . .” to detect violations of MLB’s copyrights in paraphernalia using its logo. When Jorge Posada of the Yankees hit a homer on opening day, an authenticator ran to centerfield to examine and authenticate the ball. According to the standup comedian and social commentator Sheki Mbeki, MLB’s vigorous defense of its property rights “is an operation shock and awe compared to its limp steroid enforcement,” and “a fine example of putting your money where your money is.”

Hall of Fame Apology

Cincinnati, April 21 (AP). Mississippi basketball coach Andy Kennedy pled guilty to a reduced charge to avoid jail on accusations that he punched and taunted a cab driver. Kennedy said he apologized “"for any role that I may have played in this unfortunate situation." This cavil-ier dismissal of his bad behavior was immediately placed in contention for a spot in the Museum of Non-Apologies (MONA) alongside such classics as “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and “I’m sorry you didn’t like our service.”

Lions Improve Logo

Detroit April 21 (AP). The Detroit Lions announced a new, improved logo that is considerably fiercer looking than the old one. A spokesperson for the team said, “Every Lion helmet will sport this fear-inducing logo that will strike terror into the hearts of opponents, something our players haven’t been able to do since the Eisenhower administration. Hopefully, it will help our team improve its record to 1-15.” Asked why the Lions didn’t get better players the spokesperson said, “Who do you think William Clay Ford is, George Steinbrenner?”

SHEKI MBEKI ON THE INAUGURATION OF PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA

Washington, January 21, 2009(AP). Your reporter was overjoyed at the inauguration ceremonies today. As Shakespeare wrote, “my plenteous joys, wanton in fullness, seek to hide themselves in drops of sorrow.” Or, as the old joke put it, the Bush Administration was “like beating your head against the wall because it feels so good when you stop.” The Apocryphal Press was assigned one press pass, but on presentation it was deemed apocryphal so I had to watch it on television.

Justice Roberts, as he held in his hand the constitutional text of the Presidential oath of office, read it wrong. President Obama, by his momentary silence and a pregnant look tried unsuccessfully to lead Mr. Roberts back on the path. This subtle interchange is freighted with symbolism. For a Bush appointee to be unable to do a simple task within his job description reflects the entire Bush administration. Mr. Obama’s attempt to correct the Bush appointee’s error suggests the corrective medicine that the Obama administration will administer. That he was not successful cries out that the task will be difficult. The actual error meant nothing, because Mr. Roberts earns his living misreading the Constitution.

President Obama said we would restore science to its rightful place. Does that mean it no longer belongs opposite the “E’s” on my transcript?

Former (it feels so good to write that) President Bush made a graceful transition from uselessness to irrelevance and flew off into the sunset. Former Vice-President Cheney seemed headed to the Wheelchair Olympics.

Aretha Franklin sang “My Country ‘Tis of Thee” so beautifully and soulfully (in both senses) I cried. It was joyous but strange that people whose ancestors came here hundreds of years ago could finally feel like real Americans, as my Shmuel-come-lately family, the pride of Burke’s Steerage, has done since they got here. Mazel Tov African-Americans. Welcome home.

CLASSIFIED AD: U.S. FOR SALE

LARGE (BADLY) USED NORTH AMERICAN NATION FOR SALE. This scenic country, with large, modern cities, spacious skies and beautiful topography featuring amber waves of grain, majestic purple mountains, and fruited plains, is bordered by two shining seas offering breathtaking ocean views in a variety of climate zones, and five Great Lakes, many not entirely polluted rivers, and is priced to sell. The lucky buyer will avail him or herself of magnificent recreational facilities, enormous profit potential, and huge reserves of untapped natural resources.

The Unites States of America, as its original builders called it, has fallen on hard times because of mismanagement, but is an ideal fixer-upper for the ambitious handy man or woman. A little plaster and paint and the U.S.A. will be fit to live in again.

No down payment required of the highly qualified buyer, just take over the large, assumable Chinese mortgage and move right in.

Call Bernanke, Paulsen, and Bush, Realtors at 1-800-WITSEND or go to firesale.USA.gov.

From an idea by University of Michigan senior, Jason Emmendorfer.

McCAIN: ECONOMY FUNDAMENTALS SOUND

New York, September 17, 2008 (AP) Senator John McCain, in New York’s financial district, was seriously injured today by falling stock prices and collapsing financial institutions, but through the rubble he was heard to say “the fundamentals of the economy are sound.”

McCain was rushed to The Hospital for Disingenuous Panders, where physicians pronounced him on the mend, but psychiatrists just scratched their heads.

Mistaking a muttered remark in the emergency room, a woozy McCain rolled up his speech and tried to force it through his anal sphincter without much success. Actual treatment began at once with an intravenous mixture of reality and truth serum.

In other news, Governor Sarah Palin told the father of daughter Bristol’s fetus, “That’s not what I meant when I said drill baby, drill.”