Baghdad August 22, 2009 (AP). The suicide bombers who blew up explosives-laden trucks outside government buildings in Baghdad may have been aided by members of Iraq's security forces, the foreign minister said Saturday, even as the government insisted Iraqi forces could still protect the nation.” From an Associated Press dispatch today [note: the Associated Press is not connected in any way with the Apocryphal Press.]
President Barack Obama issued this statement today on the events in Baghdad.
“My fellow citizens, I profoundly regret and seriously disapprove the situation in Iraq’s capitol that resulted in the deaths of innocent people as well as destruction and fear. I am most concerned that Iraq security forces may have been involved. This results from a lack of bipartisanship and a cooperative approach to solving difficult problems.
I now call upon the government of Iraq to seek support from the terrorists for its security forces so that security may become a truly bipartisan and cooperative operation. Iraq should refuse to deploy its security forces without such support.
Furthermore, I suggest that security forces and terrorists alike be required to wear jackets in colors that denote which side they’re on and an identifying name or slogan, such as our police and F.B.I. people wear during a raid to avoid confusing them with their targets. For example, using the colors of the Iraqi flag, the security forces might wear black jackets that say “official security” while the terrorists might wear red ones that say “terrorist.” This would make it much easier for security forces to spot traitors who work with the terrorists. Failing that, I propose a system of numbered uniforms and scorecards.
I predict that there will be a satisfactory bipartisan security program in place in Iraq by year’s end.”
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
READER’S DIGEST, VENERABLE VETERAN OF AMERICA’S DENTAL OFFICES, TO GO BANKRUPT
August 18, 2009 (AP). The Reader’s Digest Association announced on Monday that it would file for prearranged Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection for its United States businesses within 30 days. Mary Berner, chief executive officer for the last two years, will continue to run the company. From a news story today in the New York Times.
The company released this statement on behalf of its CEO.
“It seems like only a couple of years ago that on a bright sunny morning, cloudless and balmy, I drove northward on the east bank of the Hudson River to Pleasantville and my new job leading Readers Digest. I turned on the radio, hummed along with the latest pop tunes by Doris Day, Nat King Cole, and Perry Como, and tapped my long, crimson nails on the plastic steering wheel of my two-tone India Ivory and Larkspur Blue Bel Air. My mood matched the day as my high heeled pumps held the Chevy to a safe and sane 45 miles per hour.
Imagine my chagrin when I entered my new office and, in spite of the lovely view of the “Life in These United States” tulip garden and the river, I found the walls painted a perfectly awful shade of chartreuse. But my mother always taught me to see the positive side and not look to others to solve my problems, so I took my new corporate credit card and went to the hardware store in town where I picked up a ladder, some brushes and four or five cans of Larkspur Blue enamel.
Imagine my chagrin as I discovered upon my return that my new assistant was my ex-husband’s mistress, the floozy that broke up my once perfect marriage and forced me back to the work force. Still following my mother’s teachings, I gave her the choice of quitting or being run through with a sharpened letter opener.
Imagine my chagrin when she huffed out without quitting and, as I soon learned, flounced right over to HR where she accused me of horrible things. But I overcame. Soon, I had repainted the walls, settled the floozy’s law suit, and began the work of making Reader’s Digest once again America’s greatest source of meaningless fluff.
Imagine my chagrin when I found out the company was broke and would have to go bankrupt. Mama! I need help!"
The company released this statement on behalf of its CEO.
“It seems like only a couple of years ago that on a bright sunny morning, cloudless and balmy, I drove northward on the east bank of the Hudson River to Pleasantville and my new job leading Readers Digest. I turned on the radio, hummed along with the latest pop tunes by Doris Day, Nat King Cole, and Perry Como, and tapped my long, crimson nails on the plastic steering wheel of my two-tone India Ivory and Larkspur Blue Bel Air. My mood matched the day as my high heeled pumps held the Chevy to a safe and sane 45 miles per hour.
Imagine my chagrin when I entered my new office and, in spite of the lovely view of the “Life in These United States” tulip garden and the river, I found the walls painted a perfectly awful shade of chartreuse. But my mother always taught me to see the positive side and not look to others to solve my problems, so I took my new corporate credit card and went to the hardware store in town where I picked up a ladder, some brushes and four or five cans of Larkspur Blue enamel.
Imagine my chagrin as I discovered upon my return that my new assistant was my ex-husband’s mistress, the floozy that broke up my once perfect marriage and forced me back to the work force. Still following my mother’s teachings, I gave her the choice of quitting or being run through with a sharpened letter opener.
Imagine my chagrin when she huffed out without quitting and, as I soon learned, flounced right over to HR where she accused me of horrible things. But I overcame. Soon, I had repainted the walls, settled the floozy’s law suit, and began the work of making Reader’s Digest once again America’s greatest source of meaningless fluff.
Imagine my chagrin when I found out the company was broke and would have to go bankrupt. Mama! I need help!"
Friday, August 7, 2009
APOCRYPHAL PRESS ARTS CRITICISM
SHEKI MBEKI REVIEWS
SACHA BARON COHEN'S BRUNO
Friday, August 07, 2009. Last night I visited a local cinemaplex to investigate a new exercise in Sacha Baron Cohenism, a cinematic phenomenon that has swept our film houses. His new joint (it is far too serious and complex to call it a “movie”) Bruno, is a work of art that explores the soft underbelly, the conventionalism, and the downright foolishness of those who are not Sacha Baron Cohen. Hiding in the interstices of what seems at first to be the dumbest movie ever made is a profound philosophical core that, like the emperor’s new clothes, is visible only to the wise and deep among us who, it is safe to say, are very few in number.
The apotheosis of this anatomical revelation comes when a fully erect penis, ostensibly Baron Cohen’s, points out at the audience, as if to say, “beware,” in the manner of Babe Ruth pointing his bat at the center field bleachers in the 1932 World Series. Unlike Ruth, whose quotidian understanding left him no choice but to hit a home run to the very place to which he had pointed, Baron Cohen teasingly leaves the meaning of this display of turgid concupiscence to the imaginations of thoughtful audience members, of which group none were present at the showing I attended.
Perhaps he wanted his viewers to “think outside the box,” which, clearly, was where the rigid digit was at the moment we saw it.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
APOCRYPHAL PRESS NEWS ROUNDUP July 1, 2009
FRANKEN TO BE SWORN IN AS MINNESOTA SENATOR
Minneapolis (AP). Democrat Al Franken, satirist and comic TV actor, will be sworn in as Minnesota’s junior senator after a long battle in the courts over absentee votes. The Supreme Court of Minnesota ended the argument by ruling, “he’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and, doggonit, 311 people liked him more than liked his opponent!” Franken said, “"All I have to do is be the best Senator Al I can be."
SEX SOCIETY CHANGES ITS NAME
Intercourse, PA (AP). Billing itself as the world’s only organization to demand good manners in sexual relations, The Politeness in Sex Society has changed its name to “The American Civil Libertines Union,” according to its spokesman who said that the acronym PISS was “creating misunderstandings.” The group requires men who join to wrap their membership cards around their penises and to refer to them as “card carrying members.”
CLINTON DEMONS DISCOVERED IN SOUTH CAROLINA
Columbia, SC (AP). Family-values advocate Governor Mark “what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the goose” Sanford of South Carolina, revealed recently that, in addition to the pan-hemispheric affair that started his troubles, he has had numerous incidents of “flirting” with women, some involving “touching.”
Sanford broke off the affair with his South American mistress singing, “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina,” and said he would try to fall in love with his wife again. “If Sisyphus could roll that boulder uphill, I can find happiness with the old ball-and-chain again,” he sighed. He then announced he was entering therapy with an exorcist to rid himself of the Bill Clinton demons that somehow had entered his body.
Sanford received get-well wishes from Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who said, “Lotsa luck open-fly boy.”
Minneapolis (AP). Democrat Al Franken, satirist and comic TV actor, will be sworn in as Minnesota’s junior senator after a long battle in the courts over absentee votes. The Supreme Court of Minnesota ended the argument by ruling, “he’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and, doggonit, 311 people liked him more than liked his opponent!” Franken said, “"All I have to do is be the best Senator Al I can be."
SEX SOCIETY CHANGES ITS NAME
Intercourse, PA (AP). Billing itself as the world’s only organization to demand good manners in sexual relations, The Politeness in Sex Society has changed its name to “The American Civil Libertines Union,” according to its spokesman who said that the acronym PISS was “creating misunderstandings.” The group requires men who join to wrap their membership cards around their penises and to refer to them as “card carrying members.”
CLINTON DEMONS DISCOVERED IN SOUTH CAROLINA
Columbia, SC (AP). Family-values advocate Governor Mark “what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the goose” Sanford of South Carolina, revealed recently that, in addition to the pan-hemispheric affair that started his troubles, he has had numerous incidents of “flirting” with women, some involving “touching.”
Sanford broke off the affair with his South American mistress singing, “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina,” and said he would try to fall in love with his wife again. “If Sisyphus could roll that boulder uphill, I can find happiness with the old ball-and-chain again,” he sighed. He then announced he was entering therapy with an exorcist to rid himself of the Bill Clinton demons that somehow had entered his body.
Sanford received get-well wishes from Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who said, “Lotsa luck open-fly boy.”
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
MC CONNELL COMMENTS ON SPECTER PARTY SWITCH
Washington, April 29, 2009 (AP). As President Obama welcomed Senator Arlen Specter into the fold, Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, the Republican leader, said, “The danger of that for the country is that there won’t automatically be an ability to restrain the excess that is typically associated with big majorities and single-party rule.”
This utterance sparked a lively debate among academic language experts and connoisseurs of words, one side arguing that the statement was hypocrisy, while the other maintained it was unselfconscious irony. Other voices brandished thesauri and added pietism, cant, pious fraud, lip-devotion, lip-service, lip-reverence, and sanctimony. Listening intently to this academic debate, former President Bush said, “huh?” and went about his retirement activity of clearing brush from his cerebrum.
In a related story, Mr. Bush, asked about the outbreak of swine flu, said, “That’s like ‘I’ll lend you money when pigs fly, or in the past tense, when swine flew.’ ” Mr. Bush then went back to his retirement activity of arranging his library alphabetically by super hero.
This utterance sparked a lively debate among academic language experts and connoisseurs of words, one side arguing that the statement was hypocrisy, while the other maintained it was unselfconscious irony. Other voices brandished thesauri and added pietism, cant, pious fraud, lip-devotion, lip-service, lip-reverence, and sanctimony. Listening intently to this academic debate, former President Bush said, “huh?” and went about his retirement activity of clearing brush from his cerebrum.
In a related story, Mr. Bush, asked about the outbreak of swine flu, said, “That’s like ‘I’ll lend you money when pigs fly, or in the past tense, when swine flew.’ ” Mr. Bush then went back to his retirement activity of arranging his library alphabetically by super hero.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
NEWS ROUNDUP
University Of Michigan Sued Over Stadium
Ann Arbor, April 21 (AP). A suit on behalf of Russia against the University of Michigan was filed today in United States District Court seeking an injunction to prevent completion of Michigan Stadium renovations because of what the plaintiff’s lawyer described as “a startling resemblance to the classic design of Moscow’s Lubyanka Prison.” He asked that the venue be changed when the Judge, the bailiff and the court reporter joined the Defense attorney in singing “Hail to the Victors.”
Delta To Add Charges for Bags
Atlanta, April 21 (AP). Delta airlines announced today it would charge senior citizens $25.00 each for bags under their eyes. This follows yesterday’s announced psychiatric screening of passengers for emotional baggage, and a set-up charge to passengers who bring food aboard. An old man with a neurotic attachment to his mother and a salami sandwich could be expected to pay as much as $125 in add-ons on a typical Detroit to Dallas flight. Elderly frequent flyers are advised that it would be cheaper to have the bags removed surgically.
Accused Pirate Arrives in New York
New York, April 21 (AP). Suspected Somali pirate Abduhl Wali-i-Musi arrived in New York today to plead to a charge of piracy. The judge began the plea hearing asking the suspect, “got a little of the Captain in ya?” The suspect would say only, “arrrggghhh!”
Ann Arbor, April 21 (AP). A suit on behalf of Russia against the University of Michigan was filed today in United States District Court seeking an injunction to prevent completion of Michigan Stadium renovations because of what the plaintiff’s lawyer described as “a startling resemblance to the classic design of Moscow’s Lubyanka Prison.” He asked that the venue be changed when the Judge, the bailiff and the court reporter joined the Defense attorney in singing “Hail to the Victors.”
Delta To Add Charges for Bags
Atlanta, April 21 (AP). Delta airlines announced today it would charge senior citizens $25.00 each for bags under their eyes. This follows yesterday’s announced psychiatric screening of passengers for emotional baggage, and a set-up charge to passengers who bring food aboard. An old man with a neurotic attachment to his mother and a salami sandwich could be expected to pay as much as $125 in add-ons on a typical Detroit to Dallas flight. Elderly frequent flyers are advised that it would be cheaper to have the bags removed surgically.
Accused Pirate Arrives in New York
New York, April 21 (AP). Suspected Somali pirate Abduhl Wali-i-Musi arrived in New York today to plead to a charge of piracy. The judge began the plea hearing asking the suspect, “got a little of the Captain in ya?” The suspect would say only, “arrrggghhh!”
SPORTS ROUNDUP
Putting Your Money Where Your Money Is
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