AP NEWS ROUNDUP

Putin banned from future Oscar ceremonies. Vladimir Putin, Russian President has been permanently barred from future Oscar shows for “gross and unwarranted nip-slips.”

Chicago aldermen oppose naming Federal building after Eliot Ness. Chicago’s city council passed a resolution yesterday opposing the renaming of the Washington building that houses the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (A.T.F.) after Eliot Ness the agent who brought down Al Capone and was memorialized in the TV show and movie, “The Untouchables.” Alderman complained that Ness was overrated, but some believe they actually want to name the building after Capone, who supported so many Chicago aldermen and their families.

Court dismisses charges against man who took upskirt pictures on the subway. The Massachusetts Supreme Court refused to apply a law against secretly photographing nude or partly nude people who reasonably expected privacy, known as the “public privacy protection act (PPPA). The ruling acquitted a man “who had taken cell phone photos and videos of women’s crotches on the Boston Subway” apparently because the law did not specify the particular acts charged. The State Legislature is considering curative amendments to be more specific and will be renamed the Protect Privacy in Public and omnibus Pudenda Prevention Piracy Act of 2014, or, PPP0PPPA. In any event, the legislature is hell-bent on protecting the privacy of publicly presented pudenda and keeping unaware subway riders’ Petticoat Junctions off the internet.

No serious injuries as pregnant Florida woman drives van into ocean with three children strapped in Van. Investigators are trying to determine the woman’s mental state. Meanwhile, Florida authorities have charged her with attempted abortion.

MITT: R.I.P. ETCH-A-SKETCH

November 1, 2012(AP). Today’s Times says, “In Dwindling Days of the Race, Romney Takes a Softer Tack.” A G.O.P. operative, identified only as “disgusted in America,” said Romney was jealous of the attention Chris Christie got for praising the President’s work with hurricane damage. But, in a tragic sequel, burdened with overwork, the famous Etch-A-Sketch shattered into a million pieces.

As The Reverend Jesse Jackson said, “It’s a sign from heaven: Romney will no longer shake, rattle, or roll that infamous toy, no longer flip, flop, or fly, no longer swivel, be uncivil, or speak drivel, no longer be white in Grosse Pointe and black in Harlem, or love Nascar in Brooklyn, Michigan and bagels in Brooklyn, New York, or be a Wolverine in Ann Arbor, a Buckeye in Columbus, and a Nittany Lion in Winter. . .” Then, Jackson broke down in tears at the beauty of his own rhetoric.

But he recovered just long enough to say, “my humble speech would be praised by Lincoln at Gettysburg, Churchill in London, and Cicero of Illinois.

 

 

HOME HIS CASTLE SO MONTANA ADULTERER GETS AWAY WITH KILLING AGGRIEVED HUSBAND

In Montana, an adulterer shot and killed the aggrieved husband in the adulterer’s garage. The husband was unarmed and had entered the garage, whereupon the adulterer ran into the house, got a gun, and returned to the garage, shooting the unarmed man point blank. While this would have been prosecutable homicide throughout the U.S. until recently, the prosecutor said he was forced to pass on the case because Montana’s “home is a castle law” gave the homeowner the right to shoot after he claimed he had a reasonable belief that he was about to be assaulted.

 Our legal consultant, Sheki M. Beki, Esq., says that in Montana and other states with laws, promoted by the National Rifle Association, you may legally preempt a possible slap on the face with a planned, premeditated, bullet to the heart.

The NRA, thrilled that their model law is working on the Great Plains, announces the annual Lone Ranger award, given to the gun-totin’ hombre who best exemplifies the motto, “return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear.” It rejected an idea to open a travel agency to help disgruntled spouses move to Montana. The new travel agency would have been called "Expedient."

 

 

NEWS ROUNDUP

October 22, 2012(AP). In Brookfield, Wisconsin Sunday morning, a gunman shot and killed three women and injured others in a one-man raid on a salon and spa. The gunman fled, but was later found dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Police theorized that the incident was the result of a marital dispute.

 A spokesman for the National Rifle Association aggressively defended the gunman’s action as “an unexceptionable exercise of his second amendment rights as declared by the U.S. Supreme Court. In the NRA’s War on Peace, as in any war, “collateral damage is the unfortunate but inevitable result of combat. Guns don’t kill people, bullets kill people.”

In Kountze, Texas, the superintendant of schools ordered public high school cheerleaders to stop holding up banners with biblical verses at football games. He said it violated a U.S. Supreme Court ruling on the first amendment, angering the townspeople. The First Baptist Church answered on its marquee. “We must obey God rather than men.”

Sheki Mbeki of the American Civil Ironies Union (ACIU) said, “The Supreme Court is like fresh fruit. You love it when it agrees with you and hate it when it gives you diarrhea.”

NEWS ROUNDUP

Antitrust Case. According to a New York Times report today, filings in the antitrust case on price fixing e-books laid out their defense against “the government’s charges that publishers had conspired in e-mails, telephone conversations and over lavish dinners in Manhattan restaurants.”

Assistant attorney general Lavish MacTavish said, “Sinful, Lucullan, hedonistic dinners, especially in Manhattan, are a known indicator of collusive price fixing. Had they met over franks and fries at Nathan’s or cream cheese on date-nut bread at Chock Full O Nuts, this whole thing might have been settled immediately. We thank the fearless journalists at the Times for letting the public know that book executives are self-indulgent sybarites and will surely go to Hell.”

Defense Of Marriage Act Called Unconstitutional. A federal appeals court in Boston ruled today that the law denying federal benefits to married gay couples is unconstitutional. An appeal to the Supreme Court is believed certain.

A government attorney called the head of the gay rights group and laughingly told him, “conservative justices will eat you alive,” to which the gay spokesman replied, “Fine by me. All five of them, or can I just pick Roberts?”

Name Changes Denied. The FDA denied a request by the Corn Refiners Association to change the name “high fructose corn syrup” to “corn sugar,” because “sugar” means solid or crystalline. Then they denied a request to change “boneless chicken wings” to “manufactured chickenoid product containing poultry meat and a ton of other crap” because most Americans would fall asleep before reading the entire name.

And the NRA’s request to change its name to “National Protection Association,” was denied the patent and trade mark office because of a strong protest by the Mafia that it would violate its copyright

ROMNEY SAID TO ENTER TWELVE-STEP PROGRAM

March 2, 2012(AP). Republican presidential candidate, Willard “Mitt” Romney, has entered the twelve-step program, “Moderates Anonymous,” according to a member who insisted on anonymity because he was “committing a humongous breach of trust.”

Romney admitted to being a “recovering moderate” and vowed to “fake it ‘til I make it.” He said he hadn’t been moderate for two years, four months, and six days, but still must fight frequent urges to think rationally “with every weapon at my disposal.” He prays to an idol in the likeness of Grover Norquist, who Romney called “my higher power,” and by calling on his sponsor, Sarah Palin. She advises him to avoid moderate thought by giving up thinking altogether, “as I did many years ago.”

In a related story, Mr. Romney said we could solve the health care crisis by shipping poor people to Canada strapped to the tops of automobiles.

In other news, Herman Cain entered a clinic for sex addicts but was promptly thrown out because he groped six patients and two nurses on the first day. They alleged he leered at them and said, “hey honey, you want a job?”

NEWS ROUNDUP

International.

Myanmar. U.S. Secretary of State Clinton announced today restoration of diplomatic relations with Myanmar following reforms including the release of political prisoners and a cease fire with Karen rebels. The full text of her message:

Stopped shooting at the rebels

Released jailed critics brave

We welcome your ambassador

With a Burma Wave.

Israel The health department has ordered saliva tests for Ultra Orthodox Jews who spat on an eight year old Modern Orthodox girl walking to school through their neighborhood in Beit Shemesh. A department spokesman said, “Maybe they’re all on steroids. Haven’t you ever wondered how they carry around those heavy Torahs week after week?

On the campaign trail.

Gingrich. The AP’s private detective, reports that Newt Gringrich’s foreplay is to mount Calista from the rear, spank her butt, and cry, “Who’s your daddy now, Mitt?”

Cain. Herman Cain “unsuspended” his campaign and announced his new “1,1,1” plan to reduce poverty and unemployment. Instead of welfare, food stamps, and unemployment compensation the government will issue to each qualified applicant 1 mask, 1 gun, and 1 list of 7/11 stores in his or her area. “Everybody benefits,” Cain says. “the government will save billions, poor people will work and support themselves, and the NRA will contribute to my campaign. 1,1,1, is win-win-win.”

In a related story, Mr. Cain tried to get on the primary ballot in Missa-missa- sip-sip-sip sippitty sip pee” but can’t find it on the “mapitty mapmap mapmap.”

Second amendment.

The National Rifle Association announced its plan to supply pediatricians with tiny low-caliber pistols to give their patients instead of lolly pops. The campaign will be called “Small Arms for Little Hands.”

APOCRYPHAL PRESS NEWS ROUNDUP

“give a man a frying pan and he can fry a latke, give him a huge bonus and he can spend Chanukah in Hawaii.” - Goldman Sachs

Dec 23, 2011 (AP). Ron Paul withdraws twenty year old bigotry. According to a Reuters dispatch, a twenty year old fund-raising letter sent, and apparently signed, by presidential candidate Ron Paul, made appeals to racism and homophobia. Mr. Paul has now retracted those statements as urged by his son, entertainer Rue Paul.

Turkey cuts off the French. Turkey has curtailed diplomatic relations with France after its parliament passed a law making it a crime to deny the Turkish genocide of Armenians eighty or ninety years ago. Turkey said it had always been a peace loving nation and, unless the law was repealed, it would send troops to Marseille and cut off every Frenchman’s Bouillabaisse.

In a related story, House Speaker John Boehner introduced legislation to make it a crime to deny the Laffer curve.

APOCRYPHAL PRESS NEWS BULLETIN

WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCES PRESIDENT’S CONVERSION TO CATHOLICISM. A White House spokesman told reporters in a hastily convened briefing that President Obama has converted to Catholicism for the express purpose of confessing his sin in bullying House Republicans to force approval of a temporary two-month extension of the payroll tax holiday. He showed a video taken inside a confessional where a tearful Obama confessed that not only had he bullied his congressional adversaries but that it felt good, which made him feel even guiltier. The priest told him to say five hail-Marys and “give him hell, Barry!”

APOCRYPHAL PRESS NEWS ROUNDUP

Dec 20, 2011 (AP). The White House. President Barack Obama announced today a compromise deal with his wife, Michelle in which she agreed to sleep with the President for a week in return for his binding promise never to ask her again for sex. The President said that while he didn’t get everything he asked for, it was the most he could get under very difficult circumstances and would save the family $1.2 billion over the next decade in condom, lubricant, and medical expenses.

Conservative Think Tank adds new scholars. The Washington Zoo announced that their three recently escaped monkeys have joined the conservative think-tank Pro Pecuniae Privatus and would be renamed “Hear No Liberal, See No Liberal, and Speak No Liberal.” Think tank President, Glenn Dreck, said the monkeys are “the smartest primates in Washington.” They will spend their days at the proverbial typewriters, and their nights as Fox News analysts.

Religious news. An investigation is under way into the disappearance of millions of dollars from a New York synagogue headed by Orthodox Rabbi Yoshiyahu Yosef Pinto, 38. Rabbi Pinto has high-level followers including members of Congress, business leaders, and, according to the Times, “Even LeBron James, who is not Jewish, borrowed a friend’s yacht to consult the rabbi in private.” Asked for comment Rabbi Pinto said, “I’m shocked. Shocked! Are you telling me LeBron James isn’t Jewish?”

APOCRYPHAL PRESS NEWS ROUNDUP

The Senate. A Republican filibuster today blocked President Obama’s appointment of Richard Cordray as head of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, an agency created by Congress. Republican Senate leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, said his party had made clear for months that it would not approve a leader for the watchdog consumer agency until the law that established it was amended. He added, “excuse me; I have to go back to holding my breath until I turn blue.” To demonstrate the profound effect of his self-imposed apnea, McConnell lowered his trousers, bent over, and hummed “Blue Moon of Kentucky.”

McConnell’s spokesperson said the Senator will next offer a resolution to require the President to obtain prior Congressional approval to urinate or defecate.

The campaign. Newt Gingrich said today that his books effectively conveyed his views and values. They are “the cultural wing of what we’re doing; I am a cultural teacher, with a political campaign to change a government. And that’s how I see myself.” Robert Burns, the long-dead bard of Scotland returned momentarily to comment: “O wad some Power the giftie gie us, To see oursels as ithers see us!”

A.P. joke editor, Sheki Mbeki, said a punch line would be as superfluous as a Democrat in the Senate.

Apocryphal Press Help Wanted Ad. POTUS needs a literate Democrat with the patience of Job and a deep understanding of political campaigns to read and annotate Newt Gingrich’s 25 mind-numbing non-fiction and fiction books for sound-bite and bumper-sticker sized excerpts that portray Mr. Gingrich in a light even worse than that in which he shows himself by his public statements. Must be prepared to search tirelessly for contradictions, disagreements, and flip-flops. Good pay and benefits including a fully-funded 24/7 suicide watch. No present or former employee of Fox News need apply.

APOCRYPHAL PRESS SUNDAY NEWS ROUNDUP DECEMBER 4, 2011

The top story today is Herman Cain’s “suspension” of his presidential campaign. He denied accusations that “9,9,9” is “6,6,6” upside down, and accused his accusers and the media of hurting his dear wife who is “ . . . the most important woman in the world to me, when I’m home.”

Mr. Cain announced he would enter the private sector as a head hunter. His employment agency will be called, “Hey Honey, You Wanna A Job?”

Economics. Christopher A. Sims of Princeton and Thomas Sargent of N.Y.U. were awarded this year’s Nobel Prize in economics for their elegant mathematical work in failing to predict the current economic crisis. Professor Sims said, “I’m surprised but gratified that my work has been recognized and I will get a large cash prize. My retirement plan has tanked, my house is almost worthless, and my investment in sub-prime mortgage securities has turned, well, to excrement.

Finance. Goldman Sachs announces bonus formulas to its top executives to bring their compensation in line with college football coaches, according to chief executive, Tommy “Three Card” Monti, who said, “keeping our talented executives is second only to acquiring all the money in the world.” New Ohio State football coach, Urban Meyer, was outraged and enforced a provision in his contract doubling the number of cheerleaders he gets for his personal use.

Sports. The Detroit Lions traded suspended defensive tackle, Ndamukong Suh, to Michael Vick for a pit-bull and two draft choices. Head coach Jim Schmidt said, “The dog is quick, vicious, smart, and easier to train.” He observed that losing Suh for the Sunday night game against New Orleans is proof that the supernatural phenomenon known as “The Detroit Triangle” has not budged from its epicenter over Ford Field.

Mr. Suh, suspended for two games for practicing Flamenco dancing on the body of a Green Bay Packers player, defended himself by producing a pair of castanets and singing “Malaguena,” for which two additional games were added to his sentence.

GERMANS DECRY CELEBRATION OF THIRD REICH

GERMANS DECRY CELEBRATION OF THIRD REICH

Berlin April 21, 2010 (AP). A recent attempt by an extreme nationalist organization to celebrate the Third Reich has met with downright horror here as well as threats of criminal prosecution. Prime Minister Angela Merkel said, “I can’t believe anyone would propose celebrating the Third Reich. It was a treasonous conspiracy based on racial domination that set off a terrible war on our own soil and brought us to our knees. We do not wish to celebrate a treasonous brutal war that we lost. It’s as ridiculous as some American state celebrating the Confederacy, if you can imagine such a thing.”

SEC SUES LIONS EXECS

Detroit April 19, 2010(AP). Revelations that executives of the Detroit Lions have been selling the Lions won-loss record short for several years has brought a suit by the Securities and Exchange Commission alleging that the executives “built a team designed to fail.”

The case, filed in U.S. District Court in Detroit, alleges a complex construct of options and swaps all relating to the Lions performance in the NFL. An options product called the “Lions Victory Index” is at the heart of the alleged fraud. A new insurance-like product from AIG (Aiiiee, Gevalt) called “Loss Swaps” guarantees the success of the index shares. According to the complaint, the fraud began “as soon as Mr. Ford’s senility and incompetence became apparent. The swaps provide windfall profits as the Lions lose. The more they lose, the higher the market price of the swaps. You do the math.”

An attorney for Chairman William Clay Ford Sr. said “Mr. Ford is shocked. He will comment personally on the charges as soon as he can find his office.” Reading from a book called “Boilerplate Denials for Busy Attorneys,” he said, “We deny any fraud or wrong doing and we are confident that the Lions will prevail ultimately (not on the field, mind you because then we’d all go broke) and we will have a detailed statement as soon as we figure out what the hell happened.”

In other news, Massachusetts Republicans have nominated a prominent health-care executive as their candidate for Governor. Several people close to the nomination process, who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of being laughed at, said, “The idea was to get a health care lobbyist in public office, thereby eliminating the middle-man.”

APOCRYPHAL PRESS NEWS ROUNDUP

TEXANS BELIEVE PEOPLE COEXISTED WITH DINOSAURS

Austin, TX. In a dispatch dated February 17 headlined “Meet the Flintstones,” The Texas Tribune reported that “Nearly a third of Texans believe humans and dinosaurs roamed the earth at the same time, and more than half disagree with the theory that humans developed from earlier species of animals, according to the University of Texas/Texas Tribune Poll.”

Many of the poll’s respondents said they had actually visited the natural history museum and given names to the dinosaurs, including Rush, Glenn, Sarah, Newt, and Frist. Some also honored neo-dinosaurs, Mitt, Rudy, and Lieberman.

Torrance, California. The Times reports that “James E. Lentz III, the president of Toyota Motor Sales U.S.A., said today that Toyota's huge recall might “not totally” solve the problem of unintended sudden acceleration in some of its vehicles. Mr. Lentz made the statement in a phone call from his Avalon stuck on a pedestrian overpass on the San Diego Freeway. Investigators said the auto had barely avoided a crash with a DC-9 taking off from San Diego International Airport. They said Mr. Lentz was saved because his car was going faster than the plane.

Vancouver, B.C. Canada. A spokesman for the Winter Olympics denied today that the events Men’s Super Combined and Men’s Half Pipe had anything to do with gay sex or crack smoking.

APOCRYPHAL PRESS TIMES HEADLINE ROUNDUP

DUELING METAPHORS DEPARTMENT:
Tea Party Lights Fuse for Rebellion on Right

OVERDONE METAPHORS DEPARTMENT:
Democrats Reel as Senator Says No to 3rd Term

MISLEADING HEADLINE DEPARTMENT:
Secret Joint Raid Captures Taliban’s Top Commander has nothing to do with marijuana cigarettes or bong hits.

REAL HEADLINES WITH IMAGINED SUBHEADS:
1. White House Invites Congressional Leaders to Summit
New Obama Aide, Pied Piper, To Push Them Off

2. Pope Urges Irish Bishops to Confront Sex Abuse
Bishops Demur, Prefer Looking Other Way While Screwing Choirboys

SAME STORY, A DIFFERENT EDITION:
Pope Meets Irish Clergy to Discuss Clergy Abuse
Clergy: “If choirboys abuse us, we forgive them.”

HEADLINES MEANT TO BE UNDERSTOOD ONLY BY INSIDERS:
1. Heavy Snow Postpones Men’s Super Combined
2. After the Cohen Debacle, a Chance to Show Skill

APOCRYPHAL PRESS NEWS OF THE DAY

President Obama is calling for a three-year freeze on spending for many domestic programs but is expected to ignore the advice of former Rep. William Jefferson (D-LA) who was convicted after ninety-five thousand dollars in cash was found in his freezer.

U.S. Ambassador to Afghanistan, Karl Eikenberry, sent two cables to the State Department saying that Afghan President, Hamid Karzai, is not an adequate strategic partner and that Eikenberry is worried about conspiratorial efforts to undermine U.S. influence. Washington said it would use the Kabul cabal cables to cobble together a new policy statement.

The Times reports that many colleges and universities, including such highly regarded institutions as the University of Minnesota and Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute are sending out pre-printed applications to potential applicants to file without the usual application fee or essay. They resemble so-called “pre-approved” credit card applications, although neither actually guarantees approval. Both were created by the same advertising guru. According to Marx Karlson, dean of admissions and lunchroom supervisor at Loyola College of I-696 whose motto is “Eruditio gratia pecuniae,” “we think it’s undemocratic to reject out-of-hand those who can’t write well enough to fill out an application or write an essay. We believe in the government agencies who lend tuition to these worthy, if untutored, applicants that do our screening for us.”

The Times reports that Tea Party disputes are taking a toll on the upcoming convention that is expected to include an address by Sarah Palin for which she is reportedly to be paid one hundred thousand dollars. The loudest Tea Party dispute involves the scones faction and the cucumber sandwich faction.

In business news, The American Wind Energy Association, in its annual report to be released on Tuesday, said that wind power grew 39% last year, “and that’s even before Senate debate began on the health care bill.”

In sports, the man who today threw his shoe at Sudanese President Omar Hassan al-Bashir and missed was identified as Bret Favre.

MEDICAL NEWS: PHYSICIANS CITE LITIGATION AS CAUSE OF ERROR

New York, January 24, 2010(AP). The New York Times reports today that people are dying or sustaining permanent injury from radiation sickness because of the failure of doctors and hospitals to detect computer errors, missing filters, software flaws, faulty programming, poor safety procedures or inadequate staffing and training. The American Medico-Apologists’ Association (AMAA), says that these unfortunate deaths and injuries, along with ninety thousand preventable deaths from hospital-induced infections each year, are the result of malpractice suits and demonstrate the urgent need for tort reform now being pressed by Republicans in Congress.

Dr. Heathcote E. Bradbury, a radiologist at God Have Mercy on Us Hospital and spokesman for the AMAA said today, “Physicians are so frightened that process servers bearing malpractice papers lurk under every hospital bed and in the dark corners of operating rooms that their hands tremble and their minds aren’t free to do their work in a competent fashion. Until tort reform frees us from this plague of warranted criticism, we will continue to kill patients by accident. There will be a holocaust of mammoth proportions. In plain English, we will make mistakes until you stop suing us.”

In another medical development, scientists at Pfizer have produced experimental data suggesting that the effectiveness of medications is in direct proportion to their cost. In one experiment, Pfizer raised the price of Bacteria-Be-Gone (BBG), its new full-spectrum antibiotic, once each month and found that BBG’s effectiveness went up accordingly. Pfizer then raised the prices on all its prescription drugs by ten per cent and called it “a life-saving stratagem.”

REV. AL SHARPOON OBJECTS TO AP STORY BELOW (click here to read earlier story)

The Lightly Reverend Mr. Al Sharpoon held a press conference today accusing the Apocryphal Press and other critics of O.J. Simpson’s social etiquette of racial bias. “I’m sick and tired of this O. J. Simpson case and how people keep accusing him of murder an American jury found him not guilty of and some racist violation of white people’s etiquette. It’s well known by the Hitlers in the D.A.’s office that Mr. Simpson was a victim of a plot by his ex-wife to embarrass him by framing him for her murder and she almost succeeded.”

When Mr. Sharpoon was reminded that after he was found guilty by an American jury of defamation and ordered to pay damages he said, “Juries can be wrong. I've stood by what I believe. Juries are proven wrong every day. Maybe I didn’t say that. How do you know? If you believe bad things about me you are a racist and a Nazi.”

Mr. Sharpoon then announced he would take questions only from those reporters present who actually believed him and the room quickly emptied, ending the press conference.

OBAMA PARTY CRASHERS BREACHED ETIQUETTE, TIMES SAYS (click headline for story)

An article today in the fashion section of the Times points out that when a Washington couple crashed President Obama’s party, they not only highlighted security lapses but “trampled countless protocols that are the social, business and networking bedrock of official Washington.”

This charge prompted an Apocryphal Press investigation into other such “tramplings” that uncovered these protocol faux pas that the 9/11 hijackers were not only improperly dressed for a weekday morning event in lower Manhattan but failed to say “please” and “thank you” when forcing their way into the cockpit, O. J. Simpson selected the wrong carving knife to use on his ex-wife, and Jeffrey Dahmer held his knife and fork in the wrong hands when eating his victims and even gulped white wine instead of sipping a fruity Bordeaux such as 2005 Chateau Mouton Rothschild.

According to society protocol authority Litigia Ballsitch* these breaches demonstrate a “boorishness that far exceeds the brutality of these offenders.” She recommends that in future rude violent felons be sentenced to finishing school. Ms. Ballsitch added “A lifted pinky is a sign of gentility in the most homicidal of men.”

In a related story, an NFL spokesperson said “Our latest research shows that after effects of concussions can be reduced in severity by on-the-spot apologies, especially if the inflictor of the injuries forgot to say “please” before tackling his victim. The research also shows that if the victim says “after you my good fellow” before he knocks his block off, the injuries will heal more quickly.”
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* Litigia Ballsitch is not connected in any way with Jacqueline Kennedy’s White House social secretary, Letitia Baldridge.