SPORTS ROUNDUP

Putting Your Money Where Your Money Is

New York, April 21 (AP). According to the New York Times, Major League Baseball has an “army of authenticators . . . a team of 120 active and retired law-enforcement officials watching every game from up close . . .” to detect violations of MLB’s copyrights in paraphernalia using its logo. When Jorge Posada of the Yankees hit a homer on opening day, an authenticator ran to centerfield to examine and authenticate the ball. According to the standup comedian and social commentator Sheki Mbeki, MLB’s vigorous defense of its property rights “is an operation shock and awe compared to its limp steroid enforcement,” and “a fine example of putting your money where your money is.”

Hall of Fame Apology

Cincinnati, April 21 (AP). Mississippi basketball coach Andy Kennedy pled guilty to a reduced charge to avoid jail on accusations that he punched and taunted a cab driver. Kennedy said he apologized “"for any role that I may have played in this unfortunate situation." This cavil-ier dismissal of his bad behavior was immediately placed in contention for a spot in the Museum of Non-Apologies (MONA) alongside such classics as “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and “I’m sorry you didn’t like our service.”

Lions Improve Logo

Detroit April 21 (AP). The Detroit Lions announced a new, improved logo that is considerably fiercer looking than the old one. A spokesperson for the team said, “Every Lion helmet will sport this fear-inducing logo that will strike terror into the hearts of opponents, something our players haven’t been able to do since the Eisenhower administration. Hopefully, it will help our team improve its record to 1-15.” Asked why the Lions didn’t get better players the spokesperson said, “Who do you think William Clay Ford is, George Steinbrenner?”

SHEKI MBEKI ON THE INAUGURATION OF PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA

Washington, January 21, 2009(AP). Your reporter was overjoyed at the inauguration ceremonies today. As Shakespeare wrote, “my plenteous joys, wanton in fullness, seek to hide themselves in drops of sorrow.” Or, as the old joke put it, the Bush Administration was “like beating your head against the wall because it feels so good when you stop.” The Apocryphal Press was assigned one press pass, but on presentation it was deemed apocryphal so I had to watch it on television.

Justice Roberts, as he held in his hand the constitutional text of the Presidential oath of office, read it wrong. President Obama, by his momentary silence and a pregnant look tried unsuccessfully to lead Mr. Roberts back on the path. This subtle interchange is freighted with symbolism. For a Bush appointee to be unable to do a simple task within his job description reflects the entire Bush administration. Mr. Obama’s attempt to correct the Bush appointee’s error suggests the corrective medicine that the Obama administration will administer. That he was not successful cries out that the task will be difficult. The actual error meant nothing, because Mr. Roberts earns his living misreading the Constitution.

President Obama said we would restore science to its rightful place. Does that mean it no longer belongs opposite the “E’s” on my transcript?

Former (it feels so good to write that) President Bush made a graceful transition from uselessness to irrelevance and flew off into the sunset. Former Vice-President Cheney seemed headed to the Wheelchair Olympics.

Aretha Franklin sang “My Country ‘Tis of Thee” so beautifully and soulfully (in both senses) I cried. It was joyous but strange that people whose ancestors came here hundreds of years ago could finally feel like real Americans, as my Shmuel-come-lately family, the pride of Burke’s Steerage, has done since they got here. Mazel Tov African-Americans. Welcome home.

CLASSIFIED AD: U.S. FOR SALE

LARGE (BADLY) USED NORTH AMERICAN NATION FOR SALE. This scenic country, with large, modern cities, spacious skies and beautiful topography featuring amber waves of grain, majestic purple mountains, and fruited plains, is bordered by two shining seas offering breathtaking ocean views in a variety of climate zones, and five Great Lakes, many not entirely polluted rivers, and is priced to sell. The lucky buyer will avail him or herself of magnificent recreational facilities, enormous profit potential, and huge reserves of untapped natural resources.

The Unites States of America, as its original builders called it, has fallen on hard times because of mismanagement, but is an ideal fixer-upper for the ambitious handy man or woman. A little plaster and paint and the U.S.A. will be fit to live in again.

No down payment required of the highly qualified buyer, just take over the large, assumable Chinese mortgage and move right in.

Call Bernanke, Paulsen, and Bush, Realtors at 1-800-WITSEND or go to firesale.USA.gov.

From an idea by University of Michigan senior, Jason Emmendorfer.

McCAIN: ECONOMY FUNDAMENTALS SOUND

New York, September 17, 2008 (AP) Senator John McCain, in New York’s financial district, was seriously injured today by falling stock prices and collapsing financial institutions, but through the rubble he was heard to say “the fundamentals of the economy are sound.”

McCain was rushed to The Hospital for Disingenuous Panders, where physicians pronounced him on the mend, but psychiatrists just scratched their heads.

Mistaking a muttered remark in the emergency room, a woozy McCain rolled up his speech and tried to force it through his anal sphincter without much success. Actual treatment began at once with an intravenous mixture of reality and truth serum.

In other news, Governor Sarah Palin told the father of daughter Bristol’s fetus, “That’s not what I meant when I said drill baby, drill.”

APOCRYPHAL PRESS SUNDAY MAGAZINE ETHICIST

The APOCRYPHAL PRESS Sunday magazine proudly introduces its new ethics column and its first anointed Ethicist, Randy Conehead. Mr. Conehead is from France. He is a professional juggler and male stripper.

THE REIGN OF McCAIN WANTS MAINLY TO EXPLAIN

Dear AP Sunday Magazine Ethicist.

As the senior senator from a southwestern state and candidate for president on a major party ticket, I ask that you withhold my name. For years, I’ve been hiding my conservative credentials by taking an occasional walk on the wild side of reform. In 2002 for example, I was a co-sponsor of the [name withheld—ed.] –Feingold Act that reformed Federal campaigns. I have been very proud of that legislation because it permits me to pretend I’m some sort of wild-eyed liberal all the while posturing to conservatives.

This week, the Supreme Court struck down part of that law, the “millionaire’s amendment.” Ordinarily, I’d just blame the court for “judicial activism.”

Unfortunately, two of the justices in the majority were appointed with my enthusiastic support. That’s bad enough, but here’s the hair-puller: on my website I inveigh against my prospective opponents’ support of “activist judges.” Here’s a quote:

“Senators [name withheld—ed.] and [name withheld—ed.] have very different ideas from my own. They . . . don't seem to mind at all when fundamental questions of social policy are preemptively decided by judges instead of by the people and their elected representatives . . .

“. . . Chief Justice Roberts and Justice Samuel Alito . . . would serve as the model for my own nominees if that responsibility falls to me.”

How do I explain that the very judges I raved about struck down my reform legislation?

Name Withheld.

Dear Senator Name Withheld:

You think you are hoist with your own petard, but look at the bright side. If elected, you can sponsor all the reform legislation you want, knowing it will be happily struck down by the judges you appoint. Sounds to me like the best of all possible worlds. And by the way, your boys have also relieved you of parading around supporting gun control and arguing about the second amendment. That ought to save your “Straight Talk Express” quite a few four-dollar gallons. Send them a thank you note.

OBAMA SUSPENDED FOR SECRECY BREACH

Cambridge, Mass, June 15, 2008 (AP). Terrorist fraternity Delta Lambda Phi announced today it was changing its infamous fist jab salute after being outed by Fox News anchor E. D. Hill. According to frat president, Osama “Chip” Mohammed, member Barack “Bucky” Obama had been suspended for his infraction of secrecy rules. Obama will be barred from meetings and frat parties for six months, while his wife, Michelle “Muffy” Obama, will be publicly paddled at the next monthly kegger.

“Prexy Chip” would not reveal whether a new salute had been adopted.

In other news, U.S. President Georgie “Dubya” Bush suffered minor injuries after a slap in the face by German Chancellor Angela Merkel following Bush’s use of the administration’s fraternity handshake on Merkel's torso.

FEMA ACTS IN WAKE OF SECOND CRANE COLLAPSE

Washington, May 30, 2008 (AP). After New York’s second fatal crane collapse in recent months, The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) announced that it would order the City to remove all cranes from zoos, and forbid the sale of Crain’s New York Business and all old movies starring Jeanne Crain.

Asked if it wouldn’t be more efficient to order the city to enact and enforce strin­gent regulations on construction cranes, a FEMA spokesman said, “This administration opposes regulation of business.”

In related news, President Bush said he was giving up mumblety-peg out of respect for the families of those killed in crane-related fatalities.