New York, December 14, 2007 (AP). In a joint news conference today, star New York Yankee pitcher, Michelin Man, 87, denied using steroids “or any illegal substance” to enhance his performance. Man stood as close to fellow players Pillsbury Dough Boy and Goodyear Blimp as their bulging bodies would permit and attributed his sudden growth, at age 35 from a 39 regular to a 54 long athletic, to his family’s long history of late growth spurts, good diet, and exercise.
Asked to explain his ability to throw a baseball from the pitcher’s mound at Yankee Stadium through a plate glass window in Union City, New Jersey, Man said, “I thank the Good Lord every day for the talents He gave me, and I don’t question His works.” Man ignored a giant snort that came from somewhere Above, and added that his growth took place about the time he started to eat spinach. That’s why, Man said, “I’m strong to the finich.”
Man then flexed his right bicep, tearing his shirt sleeve and causing ripples on seismographs from Boston to Tuscaloosa, as he began to sing, “It is no secret what God can do.”
