CLASSIFIED AD: U.S. FOR SALE

LARGE (BADLY) USED NORTH AMERICAN NATION FOR SALE. This scenic country, with large, modern cities, spacious skies and beautiful topography featuring amber waves of grain, majestic purple mountains, and fruited plains, is bordered by two shining seas offering breathtaking ocean views in a variety of climate zones, and five Great Lakes, many not entirely polluted rivers, and is priced to sell. The lucky buyer will avail him or herself of magnificent recreational facilities, enormous profit potential, and huge reserves of untapped natural resources.

The Unites States of America, as its original builders called it, has fallen on hard times because of mismanagement, but is an ideal fixer-upper for the ambitious handy man or woman. A little plaster and paint and the U.S.A. will be fit to live in again.

No down payment required of the highly qualified buyer, just take over the large, assumable Chinese mortgage and move right in.

Call Bernanke, Paulsen, and Bush, Realtors at 1-800-WITSEND or go to firesale.USA.gov.

From an idea by University of Michigan senior, Jason Emmendorfer.

McCAIN: ECONOMY FUNDAMENTALS SOUND

New York, September 17, 2008 (AP) Senator John McCain, in New York’s financial district, was seriously injured today by falling stock prices and collapsing financial institutions, but through the rubble he was heard to say “the fundamentals of the economy are sound.”

McCain was rushed to The Hospital for Disingenuous Panders, where physicians pronounced him on the mend, but psychiatrists just scratched their heads.

Mistaking a muttered remark in the emergency room, a woozy McCain rolled up his speech and tried to force it through his anal sphincter without much success. Actual treatment began at once with an intravenous mixture of reality and truth serum.

In other news, Governor Sarah Palin told the father of daughter Bristol’s fetus, “That’s not what I meant when I said drill baby, drill.”

APOCRYPHAL PRESS SUNDAY MAGAZINE ETHICIST

The APOCRYPHAL PRESS Sunday magazine proudly introduces its new ethics column and its first anointed Ethicist, Randy Conehead. Mr. Conehead is from France. He is a professional juggler and male stripper.

THE REIGN OF McCAIN WANTS MAINLY TO EXPLAIN

Dear AP Sunday Magazine Ethicist.

As the senior senator from a southwestern state and candidate for president on a major party ticket, I ask that you withhold my name. For years, I’ve been hiding my conservative credentials by taking an occasional walk on the wild side of reform. In 2002 for example, I was a co-sponsor of the [name withheld—ed.] –Feingold Act that reformed Federal campaigns. I have been very proud of that legislation because it permits me to pretend I’m some sort of wild-eyed liberal all the while posturing to conservatives.

This week, the Supreme Court struck down part of that law, the “millionaire’s amendment.” Ordinarily, I’d just blame the court for “judicial activism.”

Unfortunately, two of the justices in the majority were appointed with my enthusiastic support. That’s bad enough, but here’s the hair-puller: on my website I inveigh against my prospective opponents’ support of “activist judges.” Here’s a quote:

“Senators [name withheld—ed.] and [name withheld—ed.] have very different ideas from my own. They . . . don't seem to mind at all when fundamental questions of social policy are preemptively decided by judges instead of by the people and their elected representatives . . .

“. . . Chief Justice Roberts and Justice Samuel Alito . . . would serve as the model for my own nominees if that responsibility falls to me.”

How do I explain that the very judges I raved about struck down my reform legislation?

Name Withheld.

Dear Senator Name Withheld:

You think you are hoist with your own petard, but look at the bright side. If elected, you can sponsor all the reform legislation you want, knowing it will be happily struck down by the judges you appoint. Sounds to me like the best of all possible worlds. And by the way, your boys have also relieved you of parading around supporting gun control and arguing about the second amendment. That ought to save your “Straight Talk Express” quite a few four-dollar gallons. Send them a thank you note.

OBAMA SUSPENDED FOR SECRECY BREACH

Cambridge, Mass, June 15, 2008 (AP). Terrorist fraternity Delta Lambda Phi announced today it was changing its infamous fist jab salute after being outed by Fox News anchor E. D. Hill. According to frat president, Osama “Chip” Mohammed, member Barack “Bucky” Obama had been suspended for his infraction of secrecy rules. Obama will be barred from meetings and frat parties for six months, while his wife, Michelle “Muffy” Obama, will be publicly paddled at the next monthly kegger.

“Prexy Chip” would not reveal whether a new salute had been adopted.

In other news, U.S. President Georgie “Dubya” Bush suffered minor injuries after a slap in the face by German Chancellor Angela Merkel following Bush’s use of the administration’s fraternity handshake on Merkel's torso.

FEMA ACTS IN WAKE OF SECOND CRANE COLLAPSE

Washington, May 30, 2008 (AP). After New York’s second fatal crane collapse in recent months, The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) announced that it would order the City to remove all cranes from zoos, and forbid the sale of Crain’s New York Business and all old movies starring Jeanne Crain.

Asked if it wouldn’t be more efficient to order the city to enact and enforce strin­gent regulations on construction cranes, a FEMA spokesman said, “This administration opposes regulation of business.”

In related news, President Bush said he was giving up mumblety-peg out of respect for the families of those killed in crane-related fatalities.

POPE SUBMITS BUSH FOR SAINTHOOD

The Vatican, May 14, (AP). Pope Benedict XVI announced today that he would submit the name of President George W. Bush for beatification, the first step to sainthood, after reading the news story yesterday reporting that Bush had quietly given up golf since August 2003, out of respect for the families of Americans killed in Iraq. “I don’t want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the Commander-in-Chief playing golf,” Bush said.

Explaining his decision, the Holy Father said, “He could have done some meaningless symbolic act that would cost him nothing, like improving the soldier’s equipment, or health care, or even bringing them home, but instead he chose a monumental personal sacrifice. This level of self-abnegation is on a par with the actions of Gandhi and Mother Theresa. To the best of my knowledge, neither of them ever gave up golf.”

NEWS ROUNDUP March 30, 2008

RINGLING BROTHERS WOO CANDIDATES

Sarasota, Fla. March 30, 2008 (AP). The Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Circus announced today it had made an offer to three Republican candidates, John McCain, Mitt Romney, and Rudy Giuliani, for exclusive rights to their famous high-wire act, “Flip, Flop and Flapdoodle.” A Ringling spokesman, said, “those guys, they get themselves caught saying things they can’t explain, even with Joe Lieberman whispering in their ears, and then get out of them like Houdini. And they work without a net.”

General Michael Hayden, new Director of the Central Intelligence Agency, told Tim Russert today on Meet the Press, that 70% of the Iraqi city of Basra is controlled by “militia, armed gangs, criminal elements.” He added, “this is worse than Detroit, except for its mayor’s office, which is controlled entirely by criminal elements.” Hayden said Iraqi President, Nouri al-Maliki, is sending troops led by his best generals, Said al-Larri, Muqtada Mo, and Abou Ben Curli to pacify the town.

Louisville, KY. The U.S. Attorney for the Western District of Kentucky, commenting on his failure to investigate multi-million dollar oil frauds in the district, said, “These are complex cases that take a lot of investigative time. Our priority right now is prosecuting Democrats and hookers. We don’t have time for real crime.” He also complained that he didn’t want his office to o break a long standing policy by hiring graduates of non-evangelical law schools.

In sports, the Big Ten’s representatives in the NCAA Tournament voluntarily dropped out, citing fatigue and the wish to spend more time with their families. Michigan State coach Tom Izzo said, “if they gave us more time to study our stock portfolios, maybe I wouldn’t have to do it during games.”

NEWS ROUNDUP MARCH 18,, 2008

CHINA HIT BY ANTI-FREEZE SHORTAGE

Beijing. The Chinese government announced today that a serious shortage of antifreeze had paralyzed its auto service industry and caused over-heated motors all over this huge nation. Experts believe the shortage results from the use of anti-freeze in a wide range of non-automotive products. The government recommended using a mixture of toothpaste and cold medicine in auto radiators.

Philadelphia. Veramyst, GlaxoSmithKline’s new prescription antihistamine, can halt sneezing and runny nose, but may cause nasal fungal infection, glaucoma, or cataracts. The drug maker says, “Look for our satisfied users. Just go up to any blind person with athlete’s nose who isn’t sneezing or sniffling and say, “How do you like Veramyst? Then run away quickly because white cane injuries may cause impotence, incontinence, strong sexual urges, and diarrhea. There have been occasional reports of death. Your injuries may vary.”

Detroit. Excited by the first black and blind Governor of New York, David A. Paterson, singer Stevie Wonder returned to the place of his first triumphs and announced for Mayor of Detroit. He said, “Detroit you are the sunshine of my life, you are my cheri amour, I am signed, sealed and delivered to you, and think about it: I can’t read text messages.”

The AP’s gubernatorial historian says, “While Paterson is the first legally blind governor, there have been many who are morally or ethically blind, including Mr. Paterson's predecessor, Eliot Spitzer, and the President of the United States who was the Governor of Texas.”

BREAKING NEWS: SPITZER TO ADMIT RPS

Albany, March 10, AP). According to a New York Times story this afternoon, Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York will hold a press conference later today and admit to using the services of a group of high-priced call girls.

A highly-placed administration source said today, “Obviously, he didn’t get enough at home and outsourced some of his production needs. It wasn’t only his neck that was stiff.”

It is believed that Spitzer will claim illness, the newly documented Restless Putz Syndrome (RPS), and submit himself for treatment.

SECRET TV SCRIPT REVEALED

Washington March 8, 2008 (AP). The Apocryphal Press has secured an advance copy of a secret TV announcement script. The full text follows.

Video: Establishing shot. An impressive, columned building seen from the front at an angle. A man stands in front of the building. The camera zooms in and sweeps quickly to the man’s level. Cut to a full-length view of the man from the front. He is well-dressed in a Wall Street way, and wears a sad expression. He reaches down to his right trouser pocket as the camera zooms in on it for extreme close up. The man pulls the pocket out to show its emptiness. The camera pans to his despairing face as it looks up at the building. Tears form in his eyes.

Voice over: [excited] Good credit? Bad credit? No Credit? No problem! No proof of ability to pay? Write your own, we’ll believe it!! [quieter] I’m Ben Bernanke and I can help. If your bank is broke because you did a few foolish things, there’s no reason to despair. I’ll fund your idiotic sub-prime mortgage losses [emphatic] and give YOU the ability to do it again and again. How can I do that? Do you really want to know? Call ME at 1-800-urbroke or go to http://www.pushover.gov.

Video: [rolls as the VO says “give YOU”] Money is thrown out of a high window in the building, and the smiling man picks it up, grins at the camera, stuffs his pockets and runs.]

BUSH VETOES BILL TO OUTLAW WATERBOARDING

Washington March 8, 2008 (AP). President Bush today vetoed legislation to bar waterboarding by the CIA and explaned his action in the following statement.

”My fellow Americans. The Democrat Congress has sent me legislation that violates the fundamental fairness of our people. Waterboarding is an innocent pastime, a sport enjoyed for generations by tanned young people in California who put on their doggers and catch the gnarly waves, hang ten, and shoot the curls.

As the poet wrote,

If everybody had an ocean

Across the U.S.A.

Then everybody’d be waterboardin’

Like Californ-I-A.

And now the Democrat Congress wants to outlaw this innocent sport. They are nothing but dweebs and hodaddies. Cowabunga, dudes. Waterboard on!”

LOWERING ARIZONA March 5, 2008

Washington. Arizona senator and Republican presidential candidate John McCain is expected to receive the endorsement of President Bush at a White House luncheon today, according to the British newspaper, The Guardian. A Bush spokesman said the President finally made up his mind after Mike Huckabee withdrew, leaving McCain as the only entry. He said Bush carefully weighed his choices but the President felt it had become “almost a no-brainer,” or, as the President himself said, “DUUUUUUUHHH!!!”

After lunch, McCain will travel to Hackensack, New Jersey, to receive the endorsement of mob boss, Tony Soprano, over dinner at Artie Bucco’s restaurant, Vesuvio. McCain advisers think the boss’ endorsement will be valuable because, “T is a lot more popular than the fuckin’ cocksuckah in the White House.”

He added that while Soprano liked McCain’s opposition to gun control, the deciding factor was the prospect of “a broad or a mulignane” becoming “the capo di tutti capi.”

Phoenix. Republican State Representative Karen S. Johnson, is sponsoring a law to permit people to carry guns on state campuses. A self-described “right-wing wacko,” Johnson wants students and faculty to be able to defend themselves against the no-wing wackos who commit mass murders. She said the plan would be safe because permits would be denied to anyone planning to commit mass murder.

Johnson also favors a bill to permit students and faculty to ride horses, carry lassos, and say “Yippie yi yo kayah.” Johnson said she would call the campus vigilantes, “The Posse Dementatis,” then left for a group therapy session at the “I’m OK, You’re OK Corral.”

NEWS ROUNDUP March 1, 2008

JLO HAS ANOTHER SET OF TWINS

Hollywood. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have named their new twins Max and Emme. Her other twins, Left Buttock and Right Buttock, are long-time winners of the Golden Globes Award .

Baghdad. Violent civilian deaths in Iraq rose 36 percent in February after a series of large-scale bombings, Iraqi government figures showed. President Bush offered legislation to swap these figures with falling stock prices, thus achieving positive outcomes on both fronts.

Las Vegas. Police here are investigating the deadly poison, Ricin, found in a motel room with an “anarchist type textbook.” To the question of why the occupant had left the room without the ricin and book, Mayor Oscar Goodman replied, “What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas.” Nevertheless, bartenders on the strip were ordered to refrain from asking, “what’s your poison?”

Cathedral City, California. A pastor here painted the word “eternity” on the roof of his church, possibly contravening a local ordinance. In response, the rabbi of the local temple painted the word “Fiddler” on the roof. "Tradition," the rabbi explained.

Mosul, Iraq. Gunmen yesterday kidnapped the Chaldean Catholic archbishop of Mosul on Friday and his fate and whereabouts are unknown. Experts on Islam said that the cleric might be tortured in numerous ways but not whipped, because “the Koran forbids flogging the bishop.”

Detroit. A new law in New Jersey prohibits text messaging while driving. Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick commented, “They think text messages are dangerous, but they don’t know the half of it.”

Columbus, Ohio. Victoria’s Secret today announced a slip in sales. The CEO of the globe-girdling company said, “I feel like a boob, because sexy bras don't support our image and fail to provide uplift in sales.” VS is no longer stocking sexy hosiery, and would discontinue the plunging string bikini known as the Dipthong. “We won’t be a pantywaist in the highly competitive undie-world,” VS said.

NADER TO RUN AGAIN,AGAIN, AGAIN

NADIR NADER ANNOUNCES CANDIDACY

Washington February 24, AP). Over-the hill consumer advocate Ralph Nader announced today his candidacy for President of the United States on the Bottom of the Barrel ticket. He addressed directly the most serious charge against him: that in the 2000 election he was a Republican dirty trick because they helped him circulate nominating petitions. He said, “I am no longer a Republican dirty trick. I am an independant dirty trick. No one wants to help me anymore”

Mr. Nader said he was not troubled by the fact that his support in the 2004 election dropped to well under 1% of the voters, saying he would follow in the footsteps of such great Presidents as William Jennings Bryan and Harold Stassen.

He then took his supporters out to lunch at Wendy’s

NEWS ROUNDUP February 23, 2008

Washington, February 23, (AP). Fraud a no-no for members of Congress. Congressman Rick Renzi (R-Ariz), whose “honesty and integrity” were recently lauded by Senator John McCain, was indicted this week on 35 counts of corruption, including fraud, money laundering, and other crimes. Representative John A. Boehner (R-Ohio) said the charges “are completely unacceptable for a member of Congress.” Asked for whom the charges would be acceptable, Boehner threatened to have the reporter waterboarded.

Administration loses intelligence. Bush administration officials said today that since the temporary law exempting phone companies from lawsuits for cooperating with unlawful surveillance requests expired, “we have lost intelligence information.” Asked how they knew what they’d lost if they didn’t get any information; the officials put on monacles and a German accent. “You have relatives, perhaps, in ze old country?” said one. The other, through his cigarette holder, hissed, “veeeeery interesting. But shtupid! Your kids vill be vaterboarded.”

Paper hints that McCain does it. Evangelical Christians were shocked last week at a New York Times story that suggested presidential candidate John McCain might have a penis and used it. One mom said, “How dare the Times print these things. How can we bring up our children with that kind of dirty talk?” Asked whether talking about her child called attention to the possibility that she’d had sexual relations, the Mom waterboarded the reporter.

In a related story, responding to the Justice Department’s inquiry into its legal approval of waterboarding, an administration official said, “Waterboarding? C’mon, it’s the new hula hoop.”

REPUBLICANS ANNOUNCE CONVENTION AGENDA

Washington, February 23, 2008 (AP). The Republican National Committee announced today its agenda for next year’s national convention. It is reproduced here in its entirety.

2008 Republican National Convention

2:00. Children hunt for weapons of mass destruction on the White House Lawn.

6:00 Parol officers’ reception and hospitality suite. Rush Limbaugh will serve Oxycontin.

6:15 Mr. Limbaugh will speak on “Why We Must Not Be Soft on Drug Addicts.”

7:00 Convention opens with symbolic shredding of the constitution.

7:15 Invocation. Text based on the story of the burning Bush.

8:00 Reading of good wishes from our colleagues in prison, on parole, indicted or under investigation

8:30 Thank you note for services rendered to Ralph Nader in 2000.

8:35 Thank you note for services rendered from Ralph Nader 2000.

8:45 Ex-Congressman Tom DeLay on “does Christian charity require us to subsidize insurance companies and Haliburton?”

9:00 Former Senator Bill Frist will attempt to chat by telepathy with Terry Schiavo’s brain.

9:05 Former Senator Bill Frist will attempt to chat by telepathy with George W. Bush’s brain.

9:06 Former Congressman Mark Foley (R-Fla) on “Why We Care For Children.”

9:15 Donald “you’ve done a heckuva job” Brown on “The Peter Principle.”

9:30 Burning of scientists at the stake.

10:00 Music break: The Bob Jones University Band plays, Tchaikovsky’s “Dance of the Fetuses,” followed by Gershwin’s “A Stem Cell in Paris.”

10:30 President Bush on why criticism is unpatriotic.

11:00 Address by Vice-President Cheney. “Eight years ago our country had a huge surplus, a balanced budget, a healthy balance of payments, respect for our leadership in the world, and was at peace. We took care of those problems as quickly as we could.”

11:30 Video Keynote Address by Jack Abramoff – “Privatizing Congress.”

12:00 Nomination of John McCain for President. Let the dirty tricks begin.

PORN DIRECTOR DENIES USE OF PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS

Los Angeles, February 18, 2008. (AP). Noted porn director, Martin Scores-Easy, denied today that his actors use performance enhancing drugs, such as HGH or hardness/ growth hormone, referring reporters to his attorney, Johnny Cock Ring.
Scores-Easy then took the opportunity to plug his new film about unprotected sex, Bareback Mountain, starring Peter O. Tool.

Scores-Easy has been a porn mainstay since his ground-breaking debut, The Godfather’s Parts, I, II, and III. Although many critics thought III was somewhat limp, they praised its thought-provoking treatment of olive oil as a sexual lubricant. Scores-Easy followed quickly with Dick Tracer, a private eye played by Warren Beatoff, and the mega-hits Doggie Day Afternoon, Malice: A Foreskin, and A Pack O’ Lips, NOW!!

After a long slump of several years duration, Scores-Easy made it back to the top with a series of hits beginning with the scatology fetish hit, Fecal Attraction, and Schlong Days: Journey into Night. He plans to follow up with a movie based on the hit musical Urine Town. After that Scores-Easy is considering a film about cops who force witnesses to reveal their private parts, tentatively called Base, Sick Instinct.

In related news, Congress unanimously denied that’s its investigations into cheating in baseball, football, and American Idol, were a waste of its time to distract voters.

NEWS ROUNDUP February 7, 2008

MAJOR CRIME FIGURE ELUDES POLICE DRAGNET

BROOKLYN. In breaking news today, Federal and state officials have taken into custody dozens of accused organized crime figures, including the entire Gambino family. Speaking anonymously, an FBI official said the only major figure to elude arrest was Tony Soprano who is believed to have fled his New Jersey mansion to parts unknown. The official said he had an airtight case against Soprano whose criminal career he has watched for years on video tape, and added, we’ll fuckin’ nail the fuckin’ cocksucker.”

LITTLE ROCK. Yesterday, five Southern states suffered an unusually fierce and dangerous winter tornado system. Officials believe that the tornados resulted from the sudden drop in hot air immediately following Super Tuesday.

MOSCOW. The principal election-observation organization in Europe today said it would not send observers to monitor Russia’s election on March 2, citing severe restrictions imposed by the Russian government. Tom Ridge, the first Secretary of Homeland Security who designed the color-coded alert system that has done so much for comedians said he would step in to gauge the fairness of the election using his “banana republic standard,” that rates elections on a scale of five bananas for the worst to “Yes! We have no bananas.”

ATLANTA. Wachovia bank has been forced by recently discovered internal documents including an email that said “YIKES!! DOUBLE YIKES!!” to admit that it knew its accounts were helping fraudulent telemarketers cash unauthorized and unsigned checks. The bank made large profits on the accounts by charging for each fraudulent check that was made good. Wachovia, the nation’s fourth largest bank, said, “We helped meet the housing needs of the poor by investing the profits in sub-prime mortgage securities.”

NEWS ROUNDUP January 31, 2008

CONTAMINANTS FOUND IN CHINESE BLOOD PRESSURE DRUG

Shanghai, January 31, 2008(AP). The Chinese F.D.A. reported today that a blood pressure drug made in a nearby factory was contaminated with monosodium glutamate and soy sauce. The factory owner, When, Ho Lee? admitted he had added ingredients from his restaurant because it made the pills taste better. He sang, “A spoonful of sodium makes the medicine go down,” and refused to discontinue use of the ingredients. He offered instead to add a fortune cookie saying, “your days will be tasty but short.”

Washington, D.C., January 31, 2008(AP). The Federal Reserve said today it was cutting its rediscount rate to zero and including gifts such as new cars and girls from an escort service. Ben Bernanke, Fed Chairman, made the announcement brandishing a champagne glass and shouting, “Thish ish gonna be a @#$Z%^ HAPPPPP-PYYY NEW YEAR!”

On the campaign trail, January 31, 2008(AP). Senator Baruch Alabama said today he would, if elected, bring together the warring factions of Washington politics into a “harmonious, organic, humming engine of love.” He added, “I’m a uniter, not a divider; hey, it's morning in America.”

Hollywood, January 31, 2008(AP). Brittney Spears, wearing only a camel-toe coat, was snatched from her gated estate today by a motorcade, led by a marching band with eight Rose Parade floats, four elephants, and a dozen secret service agents, to an undisclosed rubber room. Aides and doctors, including psychiatrist Dr. Vajayjay Gash clammed up, and said they would not permit “that eager beaver” Dr. Phil, to see their patient. “Holy mackerel,” Dr. Gash said, “if he tries we will box his ears or slit his throat.” He added that as yet doctors didn’t know twat’s the matter with Ms. Spears, but to a reporter who asked if Ms. Spears was allowed to have pets, spokesperson Honey Potts replied, “only her kitty.”