The Lightly Reverend Mr. Al Sharpoon held a press conference today accusing the Apocryphal Press and other critics of O.J. Simpson’s social etiquette of racial bias. “I’m sick and tired of this O. J. Simpson case and how people keep accusing him of murder an American jury found him not guilty of and some racist violation of white people’s etiquette. It’s well known by the Hitlers in the D.A.’s office that Mr. Simpson was a victim of a plot by his ex-wife to embarrass him by framing him for her murder and she almost succeeded.”
When Mr. Sharpoon was reminded that after he was found guilty by an American jury of defamation and ordered to pay damages he said, “Juries can be wrong. I've stood by what I believe. Juries are proven wrong every day. Maybe I didn’t say that. How do you know? If you believe bad things about me you are a racist and a Nazi.”
Mr. Sharpoon then announced he would take questions only from those reporters present who actually believed him and the room quickly emptied, ending the press conference.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
OBAMA PARTY CRASHERS BREACHED ETIQUETTE, TIMES SAYS (click headline for story)
An article today in the fashion section of the Times points out that when a Washington couple crashed President Obama’s party, they not only highlighted security lapses but “trampled countless protocols that are the social, business and networking bedrock of official Washington.”
This charge prompted an Apocryphal Press investigation into other such “tramplings” that uncovered these protocol faux pas that the 9/11 hijackers were not only improperly dressed for a weekday morning event in lower Manhattan but failed to say “please” and “thank you” when forcing their way into the cockpit, O. J. Simpson selected the wrong carving knife to use on his ex-wife, and Jeffrey Dahmer held his knife and fork in the wrong hands when eating his victims and even gulped white wine instead of sipping a fruity Bordeaux such as 2005 Chateau Mouton Rothschild.
According to society protocol authority Litigia Ballsitch* these breaches demonstrate a “boorishness that far exceeds the brutality of these offenders.” She recommends that in future rude violent felons be sentenced to finishing school. Ms. Ballsitch added “A lifted pinky is a sign of gentility in the most homicidal of men.”
In a related story, an NFL spokesperson said “Our latest research shows that after effects of concussions can be reduced in severity by on-the-spot apologies, especially if the inflictor of the injuries forgot to say “please” before tackling his victim. The research also shows that if the victim says “after you my good fellow” before he knocks his block off, the injuries will heal more quickly.”
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* Litigia Ballsitch is not connected in any way with Jacqueline Kennedy’s White House social secretary, Letitia Baldridge.
This charge prompted an Apocryphal Press investigation into other such “tramplings” that uncovered these protocol faux pas that the 9/11 hijackers were not only improperly dressed for a weekday morning event in lower Manhattan but failed to say “please” and “thank you” when forcing their way into the cockpit, O. J. Simpson selected the wrong carving knife to use on his ex-wife, and Jeffrey Dahmer held his knife and fork in the wrong hands when eating his victims and even gulped white wine instead of sipping a fruity Bordeaux such as 2005 Chateau Mouton Rothschild.
According to society protocol authority Litigia Ballsitch* these breaches demonstrate a “boorishness that far exceeds the brutality of these offenders.” She recommends that in future rude violent felons be sentenced to finishing school. Ms. Ballsitch added “A lifted pinky is a sign of gentility in the most homicidal of men.”
In a related story, an NFL spokesperson said “Our latest research shows that after effects of concussions can be reduced in severity by on-the-spot apologies, especially if the inflictor of the injuries forgot to say “please” before tackling his victim. The research also shows that if the victim says “after you my good fellow” before he knocks his block off, the injuries will heal more quickly.”
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* Litigia Ballsitch is not connected in any way with Jacqueline Kennedy’s White House social secretary, Letitia Baldridge.
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