CONTAMINANTS FOUND IN CHINESE BLOOD PRESSURE DRUG
Shanghai, January 31, 2008(AP). The Chinese F.D.A. reported today that a blood pressure drug made in a nearby factory was contaminated with monosodium glutamate and soy sauce. The factory owner, When, Ho Lee? admitted he had added ingredients from his restaurant because it made the pills taste better. He sang, “A spoonful of sodium makes the medicine go down,” and refused to discontinue use of the ingredients. He offered instead to add a fortune cookie saying, “your days will be tasty but short.”
Washington, D.C., January 31, 2008(AP). The Federal Reserve said today it was cutting its rediscount rate to zero and including gifts such as new cars and girls from an escort service. Ben Bernanke, Fed Chairman, made the announcement brandishing a champagne glass and shouting, “Thish ish gonna be a @#$Z%^ HAPPPPP-PYYY NEW YEAR!”
On the campaign trail, January 31, 2008(AP). Senator Baruch Alabama said today he would, if elected, bring together the warring factions of Washington politics into a “harmonious, organic, humming engine of love.” He added, “I’m a uniter, not a divider; hey, it's morning in America.”
Hollywood, January 31, 2008(AP). Brittney Spears, wearing only a camel-toe coat, was snatched from her gated estate today by a motorcade, led by a marching band with eight Rose Parade floats, four elephants, and a dozen secret service agents, to an undisclosed rubber room. Aides and doctors, including psychiatrist Dr. Vajayjay Gash clammed up, and said they would not permit “that eager beaver” Dr. Phil, to see their patient. “Holy mackerel,” Dr. Gash said, “if he tries we will box his ears or slit his throat.” He added that as yet doctors didn’t know twat’s the matter with Ms. Spears, but to a reporter who asked if Ms. Spears was allowed to have pets, spokesperson Honey Potts replied, “only her kitty.”
