The Lightly Reverend Mr. Al Sharpoon held a press conference today accusing the Apocryphal Press and other critics of O.J. Simpson’s social etiquette of racial bias. “I’m sick and tired of this O. J. Simpson case and how people keep accusing him of murder an American jury found him not guilty of and some racist violation of white people’s etiquette. It’s well known by the Hitlers in the D.A.’s office that Mr. Simpson was a victim of a plot by his ex-wife to embarrass him by framing him for her murder and she almost succeeded.”
When Mr. Sharpoon was reminded that after he was found guilty by an American jury of defamation and ordered to pay damages he said, “Juries can be wrong. I've stood by what I believe. Juries are proven wrong every day. Maybe I didn’t say that. How do you know? If you believe bad things about me you are a racist and a Nazi.”
Mr. Sharpoon then announced he would take questions only from those reporters present who actually believed him and the room quickly emptied, ending the press conference.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
OBAMA PARTY CRASHERS BREACHED ETIQUETTE, TIMES SAYS (click headline for story)
An article today in the fashion section of the Times points out that when a Washington couple crashed President Obama’s party, they not only highlighted security lapses but “trampled countless protocols that are the social, business and networking bedrock of official Washington.”
This charge prompted an Apocryphal Press investigation into other such “tramplings” that uncovered these protocol faux pas that the 9/11 hijackers were not only improperly dressed for a weekday morning event in lower Manhattan but failed to say “please” and “thank you” when forcing their way into the cockpit, O. J. Simpson selected the wrong carving knife to use on his ex-wife, and Jeffrey Dahmer held his knife and fork in the wrong hands when eating his victims and even gulped white wine instead of sipping a fruity Bordeaux such as 2005 Chateau Mouton Rothschild.
According to society protocol authority Litigia Ballsitch* these breaches demonstrate a “boorishness that far exceeds the brutality of these offenders.” She recommends that in future rude violent felons be sentenced to finishing school. Ms. Ballsitch added “A lifted pinky is a sign of gentility in the most homicidal of men.”
In a related story, an NFL spokesperson said “Our latest research shows that after effects of concussions can be reduced in severity by on-the-spot apologies, especially if the inflictor of the injuries forgot to say “please” before tackling his victim. The research also shows that if the victim says “after you my good fellow” before he knocks his block off, the injuries will heal more quickly.”
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* Litigia Ballsitch is not connected in any way with Jacqueline Kennedy’s White House social secretary, Letitia Baldridge.
This charge prompted an Apocryphal Press investigation into other such “tramplings” that uncovered these protocol faux pas that the 9/11 hijackers were not only improperly dressed for a weekday morning event in lower Manhattan but failed to say “please” and “thank you” when forcing their way into the cockpit, O. J. Simpson selected the wrong carving knife to use on his ex-wife, and Jeffrey Dahmer held his knife and fork in the wrong hands when eating his victims and even gulped white wine instead of sipping a fruity Bordeaux such as 2005 Chateau Mouton Rothschild.
According to society protocol authority Litigia Ballsitch* these breaches demonstrate a “boorishness that far exceeds the brutality of these offenders.” She recommends that in future rude violent felons be sentenced to finishing school. Ms. Ballsitch added “A lifted pinky is a sign of gentility in the most homicidal of men.”
In a related story, an NFL spokesperson said “Our latest research shows that after effects of concussions can be reduced in severity by on-the-spot apologies, especially if the inflictor of the injuries forgot to say “please” before tackling his victim. The research also shows that if the victim says “after you my good fellow” before he knocks his block off, the injuries will heal more quickly.”
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* Litigia Ballsitch is not connected in any way with Jacqueline Kennedy’s White House social secretary, Letitia Baldridge.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
CARS TO RUN ON OLD CLOTHES
[An op ed in the Times warns against raising the permissible ethanol content of gasoline]
The Garment District, New York City November 28, 2009AP). The United States Department of Agriculture announced today a program to subsidize development of an automobile fuel made from gasoline and shredded old clothing, to be called “shmatanol.” Preliminary studies have shown that a “rich fuel” mixture of one part Dacron polyester and three parts 87 octane gasoline would be as efficient as the gasoline alone. This mixture would be called “25% rag content shmatanol.”
The developer, Gregor Grossman of Grosse Pointe, Michigan, said the idea came to him when he tried on a pair of his old Dacron bell-bottoms and a stray cigar ash burned a hole in them. “The material just disappeared,” he said. “Nothing burns cleaner or quicker than polyester.”
Vintage clothing shops, movie costume departments, and affluent former hippies are hurrying to incorporate and offer their shares to the public. Financial analysts guessed that the recently announced Salvation Army IPO could result in record sales.
On his radio show, the conservative pundit Russian Limburger (“The Big Cheese of Talk Radio”) angrily denounced “this socialist inspired raid on America’s attics,” and Glen Blech suggested that many of our vintage clothes were made in foreign countries, like China and Malaysia, while gasoline is made in the US by our patriotic American oil companies. “Just saying,” he said.
The Garment District, New York City November 28, 2009AP). The United States Department of Agriculture announced today a program to subsidize development of an automobile fuel made from gasoline and shredded old clothing, to be called “shmatanol.” Preliminary studies have shown that a “rich fuel” mixture of one part Dacron polyester and three parts 87 octane gasoline would be as efficient as the gasoline alone. This mixture would be called “25% rag content shmatanol.”
The developer, Gregor Grossman of Grosse Pointe, Michigan, said the idea came to him when he tried on a pair of his old Dacron bell-bottoms and a stray cigar ash burned a hole in them. “The material just disappeared,” he said. “Nothing burns cleaner or quicker than polyester.”
Vintage clothing shops, movie costume departments, and affluent former hippies are hurrying to incorporate and offer their shares to the public. Financial analysts guessed that the recently announced Salvation Army IPO could result in record sales.
On his radio show, the conservative pundit Russian Limburger (“The Big Cheese of Talk Radio”) angrily denounced “this socialist inspired raid on America’s attics,” and Glen Blech suggested that many of our vintage clothes were made in foreign countries, like China and Malaysia, while gasoline is made in the US by our patriotic American oil companies. “Just saying,” he said.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
CULTURAL REPORT; EXTRA TERRESTRIAL INTERVIEWED
AP cultural critic Sheki Mbeki reports he recently interviewed an extra-terrestrial who says he’s a cousin of Superman’s father, Jor-el. His name is Schmu-el. He was sent to earth to observe and report. He says that, unlike native Earthlings he has no preconceived notions and therefore he sees things as they actually are. Such as:
The President of the United States is a fascist, socialist, communist, racist who behaves like Hitler, Stalin, and Mao Tse Tung, and wants to kill your grandmother.
The wisest man in the United States is Glenn Beck, who sees things as they really are and isn’t afraid to speak the truth - in a fair and balanced manner.
A man who holds high public office and commits an embarrassing sexual transgression is called “Democrat” or “Republican.” The same is true for people who engage in financial corruption, except that in New Jersey some of them are also called “Rabbi.”
A man who says he converses with the departed is called “fake.” A man who says he can speak with a brain-dead, comatose woman is called “Senator.”
A person who causes terror by unofficially bombing civilian targets killing and maiming many civilians is called "terrorist," and the dead and wounded are called "victims."A person who causes terror by bombing civilian targets on behalf of a government is called "soldier" and the dead and wounded are called "collateral damage."
A financier who takes a heavy risk with other people’s money that succeeds is called “genius” and gets an enormous bonus. Another financier who takes a heavy risk that fails, causing many to lose their life savings, is called “incompetent” (or worse) and gets an enormous bonus.
In professional basketball, a player with the ball who pushes a defensive player out of the way is guilty of a charging foul. Except for the king of players, Shaquille Oneil: if he pushes someone out of the way with his butt the defensive player is guilty of a blocking foul. If the defensive player is thus thrown to the floor and badly injured he is charged with a flagrant foul.
From watching what Schmu-el describes as “sexual training videos” on the “internet” he has learned that the average American man’s penis is about eight inches long - and longer when erect - and a “baby sitter” is a thirtyish woman in a cheap blonde wig, wearing a parody of a Catholic school girl’s uniform, five inch heels, fake braces, fake pigtails and fake breasts. She is sexually voracious and shaves her pubic area twice daily. Schmu-el reports that he is fascinated with these videos and expects to learn much more from them.
Your reporter hopes to learn much in the future from this sage with the vision of a child.
The President of the United States is a fascist, socialist, communist, racist who behaves like Hitler, Stalin, and Mao Tse Tung, and wants to kill your grandmother.
The wisest man in the United States is Glenn Beck, who sees things as they really are and isn’t afraid to speak the truth - in a fair and balanced manner.
A man who holds high public office and commits an embarrassing sexual transgression is called “Democrat” or “Republican.” The same is true for people who engage in financial corruption, except that in New Jersey some of them are also called “Rabbi.”
A man who says he converses with the departed is called “fake.” A man who says he can speak with a brain-dead, comatose woman is called “Senator.”
A person who causes terror by unofficially bombing civilian targets killing and maiming many civilians is called "terrorist," and the dead and wounded are called "victims."A person who causes terror by bombing civilian targets on behalf of a government is called "soldier" and the dead and wounded are called "collateral damage."
A financier who takes a heavy risk with other people’s money that succeeds is called “genius” and gets an enormous bonus. Another financier who takes a heavy risk that fails, causing many to lose their life savings, is called “incompetent” (or worse) and gets an enormous bonus.
In professional basketball, a player with the ball who pushes a defensive player out of the way is guilty of a charging foul. Except for the king of players, Shaquille Oneil: if he pushes someone out of the way with his butt the defensive player is guilty of a blocking foul. If the defensive player is thus thrown to the floor and badly injured he is charged with a flagrant foul.
From watching what Schmu-el describes as “sexual training videos” on the “internet” he has learned that the average American man’s penis is about eight inches long - and longer when erect - and a “baby sitter” is a thirtyish woman in a cheap blonde wig, wearing a parody of a Catholic school girl’s uniform, five inch heels, fake braces, fake pigtails and fake breasts. She is sexually voracious and shaves her pubic area twice daily. Schmu-el reports that he is fascinated with these videos and expects to learn much more from them.
Your reporter hopes to learn much in the future from this sage with the vision of a child.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
BREAKING NEWS: ISRAEL TO WOMEN: TO THE BACK OF THE BUS (click to read story)
Jerusalem, September 3, 2009(AP). According to a New York Times story today a bus route in Jerusalem that includes an “ultra-orthodox” Jewish neighborhood requires women to sit in the back of the bus. That policy is currently under appeal to the Israeli Supreme Court.
Recently, a group of secular protesters boarded the bus and the women sat in front and the men in back. The driver, an Arab, declined to get involved.
The leader of the protest, Martin L. Koenig said, “I have a dream that one day right there in Jerusalem little orthodox boys and orthodox girls will be able to join hands with little secular boys and secular girls as sisters and brothers.” Mr. Koenig also praised the organizer of the protest, Rosa Parkstein
Recently, a group of secular protesters boarded the bus and the women sat in front and the men in back. The driver, an Arab, declined to get involved.
The leader of the protest, Martin L. Koenig said, “I have a dream that one day right there in Jerusalem little orthodox boys and orthodox girls will be able to join hands with little secular boys and secular girls as sisters and brothers.” Mr. Koenig also praised the organizer of the protest, Rosa Parkstein
Saturday, August 22, 2009
OBAMA COMMENTS ON IRAQ REVELATIONS
Baghdad August 22, 2009 (AP). The suicide bombers who blew up explosives-laden trucks outside government buildings in Baghdad may have been aided by members of Iraq's security forces, the foreign minister said Saturday, even as the government insisted Iraqi forces could still protect the nation.” From an Associated Press dispatch today [note: the Associated Press is not connected in any way with the Apocryphal Press.]
President Barack Obama issued this statement today on the events in Baghdad.
“My fellow citizens, I profoundly regret and seriously disapprove the situation in Iraq’s capitol that resulted in the deaths of innocent people as well as destruction and fear. I am most concerned that Iraq security forces may have been involved. This results from a lack of bipartisanship and a cooperative approach to solving difficult problems.
I now call upon the government of Iraq to seek support from the terrorists for its security forces so that security may become a truly bipartisan and cooperative operation. Iraq should refuse to deploy its security forces without such support.
Furthermore, I suggest that security forces and terrorists alike be required to wear jackets in colors that denote which side they’re on and an identifying name or slogan, such as our police and F.B.I. people wear during a raid to avoid confusing them with their targets. For example, using the colors of the Iraqi flag, the security forces might wear black jackets that say “official security” while the terrorists might wear red ones that say “terrorist.” This would make it much easier for security forces to spot traitors who work with the terrorists. Failing that, I propose a system of numbered uniforms and scorecards.
I predict that there will be a satisfactory bipartisan security program in place in Iraq by year’s end.”
President Barack Obama issued this statement today on the events in Baghdad.
“My fellow citizens, I profoundly regret and seriously disapprove the situation in Iraq’s capitol that resulted in the deaths of innocent people as well as destruction and fear. I am most concerned that Iraq security forces may have been involved. This results from a lack of bipartisanship and a cooperative approach to solving difficult problems.
I now call upon the government of Iraq to seek support from the terrorists for its security forces so that security may become a truly bipartisan and cooperative operation. Iraq should refuse to deploy its security forces without such support.
Furthermore, I suggest that security forces and terrorists alike be required to wear jackets in colors that denote which side they’re on and an identifying name or slogan, such as our police and F.B.I. people wear during a raid to avoid confusing them with their targets. For example, using the colors of the Iraqi flag, the security forces might wear black jackets that say “official security” while the terrorists might wear red ones that say “terrorist.” This would make it much easier for security forces to spot traitors who work with the terrorists. Failing that, I propose a system of numbered uniforms and scorecards.
I predict that there will be a satisfactory bipartisan security program in place in Iraq by year’s end.”
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
READER’S DIGEST, VENERABLE VETERAN OF AMERICA’S DENTAL OFFICES, TO GO BANKRUPT
August 18, 2009 (AP). The Reader’s Digest Association announced on Monday that it would file for prearranged Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection for its United States businesses within 30 days. Mary Berner, chief executive officer for the last two years, will continue to run the company. From a news story today in the New York Times.
The company released this statement on behalf of its CEO.
“It seems like only a couple of years ago that on a bright sunny morning, cloudless and balmy, I drove northward on the east bank of the Hudson River to Pleasantville and my new job leading Readers Digest. I turned on the radio, hummed along with the latest pop tunes by Doris Day, Nat King Cole, and Perry Como, and tapped my long, crimson nails on the plastic steering wheel of my two-tone India Ivory and Larkspur Blue Bel Air. My mood matched the day as my high heeled pumps held the Chevy to a safe and sane 45 miles per hour.
Imagine my chagrin when I entered my new office and, in spite of the lovely view of the “Life in These United States” tulip garden and the river, I found the walls painted a perfectly awful shade of chartreuse. But my mother always taught me to see the positive side and not look to others to solve my problems, so I took my new corporate credit card and went to the hardware store in town where I picked up a ladder, some brushes and four or five cans of Larkspur Blue enamel.
Imagine my chagrin as I discovered upon my return that my new assistant was my ex-husband’s mistress, the floozy that broke up my once perfect marriage and forced me back to the work force. Still following my mother’s teachings, I gave her the choice of quitting or being run through with a sharpened letter opener.
Imagine my chagrin when she huffed out without quitting and, as I soon learned, flounced right over to HR where she accused me of horrible things. But I overcame. Soon, I had repainted the walls, settled the floozy’s law suit, and began the work of making Reader’s Digest once again America’s greatest source of meaningless fluff.
Imagine my chagrin when I found out the company was broke and would have to go bankrupt. Mama! I need help!"
The company released this statement on behalf of its CEO.
“It seems like only a couple of years ago that on a bright sunny morning, cloudless and balmy, I drove northward on the east bank of the Hudson River to Pleasantville and my new job leading Readers Digest. I turned on the radio, hummed along with the latest pop tunes by Doris Day, Nat King Cole, and Perry Como, and tapped my long, crimson nails on the plastic steering wheel of my two-tone India Ivory and Larkspur Blue Bel Air. My mood matched the day as my high heeled pumps held the Chevy to a safe and sane 45 miles per hour.
Imagine my chagrin when I entered my new office and, in spite of the lovely view of the “Life in These United States” tulip garden and the river, I found the walls painted a perfectly awful shade of chartreuse. But my mother always taught me to see the positive side and not look to others to solve my problems, so I took my new corporate credit card and went to the hardware store in town where I picked up a ladder, some brushes and four or five cans of Larkspur Blue enamel.
Imagine my chagrin as I discovered upon my return that my new assistant was my ex-husband’s mistress, the floozy that broke up my once perfect marriage and forced me back to the work force. Still following my mother’s teachings, I gave her the choice of quitting or being run through with a sharpened letter opener.
Imagine my chagrin when she huffed out without quitting and, as I soon learned, flounced right over to HR where she accused me of horrible things. But I overcame. Soon, I had repainted the walls, settled the floozy’s law suit, and began the work of making Reader’s Digest once again America’s greatest source of meaningless fluff.
Imagine my chagrin when I found out the company was broke and would have to go bankrupt. Mama! I need help!"
Friday, August 7, 2009
APOCRYPHAL PRESS ARTS CRITICISM
SHEKI MBEKI REVIEWS
SACHA BARON COHEN'S BRUNO
Friday, August 07, 2009. Last night I visited a local cinemaplex to investigate a new exercise in Sacha Baron Cohenism, a cinematic phenomenon that has swept our film houses. His new joint (it is far too serious and complex to call it a “movie”) Bruno, is a work of art that explores the soft underbelly, the conventionalism, and the downright foolishness of those who are not Sacha Baron Cohen. Hiding in the interstices of what seems at first to be the dumbest movie ever made is a profound philosophical core that, like the emperor’s new clothes, is visible only to the wise and deep among us who, it is safe to say, are very few in number.
The apotheosis of this anatomical revelation comes when a fully erect penis, ostensibly Baron Cohen’s, points out at the audience, as if to say, “beware,” in the manner of Babe Ruth pointing his bat at the center field bleachers in the 1932 World Series. Unlike Ruth, whose quotidian understanding left him no choice but to hit a home run to the very place to which he had pointed, Baron Cohen teasingly leaves the meaning of this display of turgid concupiscence to the imaginations of thoughtful audience members, of which group none were present at the showing I attended.
Perhaps he wanted his viewers to “think outside the box,” which, clearly, was where the rigid digit was at the moment we saw it.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
APOCRYPHAL PRESS NEWS ROUNDUP July 1, 2009
FRANKEN TO BE SWORN IN AS MINNESOTA SENATOR
Minneapolis (AP). Democrat Al Franken, satirist and comic TV actor, will be sworn in as Minnesota’s junior senator after a long battle in the courts over absentee votes. The Supreme Court of Minnesota ended the argument by ruling, “he’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and, doggonit, 311 people liked him more than liked his opponent!” Franken said, “"All I have to do is be the best Senator Al I can be."
SEX SOCIETY CHANGES ITS NAME
Intercourse, PA (AP). Billing itself as the world’s only organization to demand good manners in sexual relations, The Politeness in Sex Society has changed its name to “The American Civil Libertines Union,” according to its spokesman who said that the acronym PISS was “creating misunderstandings.” The group requires men who join to wrap their membership cards around their penises and to refer to them as “card carrying members.”
CLINTON DEMONS DISCOVERED IN SOUTH CAROLINA
Columbia, SC (AP). Family-values advocate Governor Mark “what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the goose” Sanford of South Carolina, revealed recently that, in addition to the pan-hemispheric affair that started his troubles, he has had numerous incidents of “flirting” with women, some involving “touching.”
Sanford broke off the affair with his South American mistress singing, “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina,” and said he would try to fall in love with his wife again. “If Sisyphus could roll that boulder uphill, I can find happiness with the old ball-and-chain again,” he sighed. He then announced he was entering therapy with an exorcist to rid himself of the Bill Clinton demons that somehow had entered his body.
Sanford received get-well wishes from Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who said, “Lotsa luck open-fly boy.”
Minneapolis (AP). Democrat Al Franken, satirist and comic TV actor, will be sworn in as Minnesota’s junior senator after a long battle in the courts over absentee votes. The Supreme Court of Minnesota ended the argument by ruling, “he’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and, doggonit, 311 people liked him more than liked his opponent!” Franken said, “"All I have to do is be the best Senator Al I can be."
SEX SOCIETY CHANGES ITS NAME
Intercourse, PA (AP). Billing itself as the world’s only organization to demand good manners in sexual relations, The Politeness in Sex Society has changed its name to “The American Civil Libertines Union,” according to its spokesman who said that the acronym PISS was “creating misunderstandings.” The group requires men who join to wrap their membership cards around their penises and to refer to them as “card carrying members.”
CLINTON DEMONS DISCOVERED IN SOUTH CAROLINA
Columbia, SC (AP). Family-values advocate Governor Mark “what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the goose” Sanford of South Carolina, revealed recently that, in addition to the pan-hemispheric affair that started his troubles, he has had numerous incidents of “flirting” with women, some involving “touching.”
Sanford broke off the affair with his South American mistress singing, “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina,” and said he would try to fall in love with his wife again. “If Sisyphus could roll that boulder uphill, I can find happiness with the old ball-and-chain again,” he sighed. He then announced he was entering therapy with an exorcist to rid himself of the Bill Clinton demons that somehow had entered his body.
Sanford received get-well wishes from Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who said, “Lotsa luck open-fly boy.”
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
MC CONNELL COMMENTS ON SPECTER PARTY SWITCH
Washington, April 29, 2009 (AP). As President Obama welcomed Senator Arlen Specter into the fold, Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, the Republican leader, said, “The danger of that for the country is that there won’t automatically be an ability to restrain the excess that is typically associated with big majorities and single-party rule.”
This utterance sparked a lively debate among academic language experts and connoisseurs of words, one side arguing that the statement was hypocrisy, while the other maintained it was unselfconscious irony. Other voices brandished thesauri and added pietism, cant, pious fraud, lip-devotion, lip-service, lip-reverence, and sanctimony. Listening intently to this academic debate, former President Bush said, “huh?” and went about his retirement activity of clearing brush from his cerebrum.
In a related story, Mr. Bush, asked about the outbreak of swine flu, said, “That’s like ‘I’ll lend you money when pigs fly, or in the past tense, when swine flew.’ ” Mr. Bush then went back to his retirement activity of arranging his library alphabetically by super hero.
This utterance sparked a lively debate among academic language experts and connoisseurs of words, one side arguing that the statement was hypocrisy, while the other maintained it was unselfconscious irony. Other voices brandished thesauri and added pietism, cant, pious fraud, lip-devotion, lip-service, lip-reverence, and sanctimony. Listening intently to this academic debate, former President Bush said, “huh?” and went about his retirement activity of clearing brush from his cerebrum.
In a related story, Mr. Bush, asked about the outbreak of swine flu, said, “That’s like ‘I’ll lend you money when pigs fly, or in the past tense, when swine flew.’ ” Mr. Bush then went back to his retirement activity of arranging his library alphabetically by super hero.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
NEWS ROUNDUP
University Of Michigan Sued Over Stadium
Ann Arbor, April 21 (AP). A suit on behalf of Russia against the University of Michigan was filed today in United States District Court seeking an injunction to prevent completion of Michigan Stadium renovations because of what the plaintiff’s lawyer described as “a startling resemblance to the classic design of Moscow’s Lubyanka Prison.” He asked that the venue be changed when the Judge, the bailiff and the court reporter joined the Defense attorney in singing “Hail to the Victors.”
Delta To Add Charges for Bags
Atlanta, April 21 (AP). Delta airlines announced today it would charge senior citizens $25.00 each for bags under their eyes. This follows yesterday’s announced psychiatric screening of passengers for emotional baggage, and a set-up charge to passengers who bring food aboard. An old man with a neurotic attachment to his mother and a salami sandwich could be expected to pay as much as $125 in add-ons on a typical Detroit to Dallas flight. Elderly frequent flyers are advised that it would be cheaper to have the bags removed surgically.
Accused Pirate Arrives in New York
New York, April 21 (AP). Suspected Somali pirate Abduhl Wali-i-Musi arrived in New York today to plead to a charge of piracy. The judge began the plea hearing asking the suspect, “got a little of the Captain in ya?” The suspect would say only, “arrrggghhh!”
Ann Arbor, April 21 (AP). A suit on behalf of Russia against the University of Michigan was filed today in United States District Court seeking an injunction to prevent completion of Michigan Stadium renovations because of what the plaintiff’s lawyer described as “a startling resemblance to the classic design of Moscow’s Lubyanka Prison.” He asked that the venue be changed when the Judge, the bailiff and the court reporter joined the Defense attorney in singing “Hail to the Victors.”
Delta To Add Charges for Bags
Atlanta, April 21 (AP). Delta airlines announced today it would charge senior citizens $25.00 each for bags under their eyes. This follows yesterday’s announced psychiatric screening of passengers for emotional baggage, and a set-up charge to passengers who bring food aboard. An old man with a neurotic attachment to his mother and a salami sandwich could be expected to pay as much as $125 in add-ons on a typical Detroit to Dallas flight. Elderly frequent flyers are advised that it would be cheaper to have the bags removed surgically.
Accused Pirate Arrives in New York
New York, April 21 (AP). Suspected Somali pirate Abduhl Wali-i-Musi arrived in New York today to plead to a charge of piracy. The judge began the plea hearing asking the suspect, “got a little of the Captain in ya?” The suspect would say only, “arrrggghhh!”
SPORTS ROUNDUP
Putting Your Money Where Your Money Is
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
SHEKI MBEKI ON THE INAUGURATION OF PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
President Obama said we would restore science to its rightful place. Does that mean it no longer belongs opposite the “E’s” on my transcript?
Aretha Franklin sang “My Country ‘Tis of Thee” so beautifully and soulfully (in both senses) I cried. It was joyous but strange that people whose ancestors came here hundreds of years ago could finally feel like real Americans, as my Shmuel-come-lately family, the pride of Burke’s Steerage, has done since they got here. Mazel Tov African-Americans. Welcome home.
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