MICHELIN MAN DENIES USE OF STEROIDS

New York, December 14, 2007 (AP). In a joint news conference today, star New York Yankee pitcher, Michelin Man, 87, denied using steroids “or any illegal substance” to enhance his performance. Man stood as close to fellow players Pillsbury Dough Boy and Goodyear Blimp as their bulging bodies would permit and attributed his sudden growth, at age 35 from a 39 regular to a 54 long athletic, to his family’s long history of late growth spurts, good diet, and exercise.

Asked to explain his ability to throw a baseball from the pitcher’s mound at Yankee Stadium through a plate glass window in Union City, New Jersey, Man said, “I thank the Good Lord every day for the talents He gave me, and I don’t question His works.” Man ignored a giant snort that came from somewhere Above, and added that his growth took place about the time he started to eat spinach. That’s why, Man said, “I’m strong to the finich.”

Man then flexed his right bicep, tearing his shirt sleeve and causing ripples on seismographs from Boston to Tuscaloosa, as he began to sing, “It is no secret what God can do.”

HASIDIC JEWS, IRAN, FIND COMMON CAUSE

Monday, January 15, 2007(AP). [wait a minute, this must be a joke - ed.]. Wearing a badge that said “A Jew is not a Zionist” in English, Hebrew, and Arabic, Orthodox Rabbi Yisroel Dovid Weiss of Monsey, New York, a member of the Mishuganisher Chasidim and spokesman and assistant director of a small anti-Zionist group called “Neturei Karta,” traveled to Teheran to meet with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran. Also present was Holocaust denier and former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke. [Now I'm sure it's a joke - ed.]

Rabbis Weiss does not deny the Holocaust in which he lost several relatives, but apparently doesn’t mind hanging out with those who do. To Rabbi Weiss’ question, “Where can I get a good Pastrami sandwich in Teheran?” President Ahmadinejad joked, “Pastrami? Go back to Delancey Street,” and broke out a warm, brotherly grin. Returning home, Rabbi Weiss invited Mel Gibson to join his schul. [Not even a good joke - ed.]

On a personal note, this reporter was warmed by the sight of a Chasidic Rabbi, in kaftan and payes, sharing a meeting with a notorious professional bigot and hugging a raving anti-semitic holocaust denier. Can peace in the world be far behind?

NEWS ROUNDUP , January 15, 2007

HAIR FROM MISSING PLANE. A headline in the New York Times this morning says, “Rescuers Say Hair May Come From Missing Indonesian Plane.” Investigators are now looking for a Boeing 737 with a bald spot.

SADDAM’S HALF BROTHER LOSES HEAD. The hanging today of Barzan Ibrahim al-Tikriti, half brother of former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein resulted in the accidental severing of Tikriti’s head from his body. American officials immediately examined his body cavity for weapons of mass destruction. An autopsy performed by the Oklahoma Medical Examiner’s office declared the cause of death to be “a single gunshot to the heart, or maybe poison,” and found DNA belonging to Jon Benet Ramsey’s father.

IRAQ JUST SAYS NO. “The New Way Forward,” President Bush’s plan to win the Iraq war conflict insurrection insurgency civil war terrorist senior prom big-to-do faces opposition from the Iraqi government. An American official in Baghdad described the Iraqi government as “part of the problem.” President Bush said, “how can we set up a democratic state in Iraq if the government won’t do what we tell them?”