March 2, 2012(AP). Republican presidential candidate, Willard “Mitt” Romney, has entered the twelve-step program, “Moderates Anonymous,” according to a member who insisted on anonymity because he was “committing a humongous breach of trust.”
Romney admitted to being a “recovering moderate” and vowed to “fake it ‘til I make it.” He said he hadn’t been moderate for two years, four months, and six days, but still must fight frequent urges to think rationally “with every weapon at my disposal.” He prays to an idol in the likeness of Grover Norquist, who Romney called “my higher power,” and by calling on his sponsor, Sarah Palin. She advises him to avoid moderate thought by giving up thinking altogether, “as I did many years ago.”
In a related story, Mr. Romney said we could solve the health care crisis by shipping poor people to Canada strapped to the tops of automobiles.
In other news, Herman Cain entered a clinic for sex addicts but was promptly thrown out because he groped six patients and two nurses on the first day. They alleged he leered at them and said, “hey honey, you want a job?”
