APOCRYPHAL PRESS NEWS ROUNDUP July 1, 2009

FRANKEN TO BE SWORN IN AS MINNESOTA SENATOR

Minneapolis (AP). Democrat Al Franken, satirist and comic TV actor, will be sworn in as Minnesota’s junior senator after a long battle in the courts over absentee votes. The Supreme Court of Minnesota ended the argument by ruling, “he’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and, doggonit, 311 people liked him more than liked his opponent!” Franken said, “"All I have to do is be the best Senator Al I can be."

SEX SOCIETY CHANGES ITS NAME

Intercourse, PA (AP). Billing itself as the world’s only organization to demand good manners in sexual relations, The Politeness in Sex Society has changed its name to “The American Civil Libertines Union,” according to its spokesman who said that the acronym PISS was “creating misunderstandings.” The group requires men who join to wrap their membership cards around their penises and to refer to them as “card carrying members.”

CLINTON DEMONS DISCOVERED IN SOUTH CAROLINA

Columbia, SC (AP). Family-values advocate Governor Mark “what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the goose” Sanford of South Carolina, revealed recently that, in addition to the pan-hemispheric affair that started his troubles, he has had numerous incidents of “flirting” with women, some involving “touching.”

Sanford broke off the affair with his South American mistress singing, “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina,” and said he would try to fall in love with his wife again. “If Sisyphus could roll that boulder uphill, I can find happiness with the old ball-and-chain again,” he sighed. He then announced he was entering therapy with an exorcist to rid himself of the Bill Clinton demons that somehow had entered his body.

Sanford received get-well wishes from Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who said, “Lotsa luck open-fly boy.”