NEWS ROUNDUP March 30, 2008

RINGLING BROTHERS WOO CANDIDATES

Sarasota, Fla. March 30, 2008 (AP). The Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Circus announced today it had made an offer to three Republican candidates, John McCain, Mitt Romney, and Rudy Giuliani, for exclusive rights to their famous high-wire act, “Flip, Flop and Flapdoodle.” A Ringling spokesman, said, “those guys, they get themselves caught saying things they can’t explain, even with Joe Lieberman whispering in their ears, and then get out of them like Houdini. And they work without a net.”

General Michael Hayden, new Director of the Central Intelligence Agency, told Tim Russert today on Meet the Press, that 70% of the Iraqi city of Basra is controlled by “militia, armed gangs, criminal elements.” He added, “this is worse than Detroit, except for its mayor’s office, which is controlled entirely by criminal elements.” Hayden said Iraqi President, Nouri al-Maliki, is sending troops led by his best generals, Said al-Larri, Muqtada Mo, and Abou Ben Curli to pacify the town.

Louisville, KY. The U.S. Attorney for the Western District of Kentucky, commenting on his failure to investigate multi-million dollar oil frauds in the district, said, “These are complex cases that take a lot of investigative time. Our priority right now is prosecuting Democrats and hookers. We don’t have time for real crime.” He also complained that he didn’t want his office to o break a long standing policy by hiring graduates of non-evangelical law schools.

In sports, the Big Ten’s representatives in the NCAA Tournament voluntarily dropped out, citing fatigue and the wish to spend more time with their families. Michigan State coach Tom Izzo said, “if they gave us more time to study our stock portfolios, maybe I wouldn’t have to do it during games.”

NEWS ROUNDUP MARCH 18,, 2008

CHINA HIT BY ANTI-FREEZE SHORTAGE

Beijing. The Chinese government announced today that a serious shortage of antifreeze had paralyzed its auto service industry and caused over-heated motors all over this huge nation. Experts believe the shortage results from the use of anti-freeze in a wide range of non-automotive products. The government recommended using a mixture of toothpaste and cold medicine in auto radiators.

Philadelphia. Veramyst, GlaxoSmithKline’s new prescription antihistamine, can halt sneezing and runny nose, but may cause nasal fungal infection, glaucoma, or cataracts. The drug maker says, “Look for our satisfied users. Just go up to any blind person with athlete’s nose who isn’t sneezing or sniffling and say, “How do you like Veramyst? Then run away quickly because white cane injuries may cause impotence, incontinence, strong sexual urges, and diarrhea. There have been occasional reports of death. Your injuries may vary.”

Detroit. Excited by the first black and blind Governor of New York, David A. Paterson, singer Stevie Wonder returned to the place of his first triumphs and announced for Mayor of Detroit. He said, “Detroit you are the sunshine of my life, you are my cheri amour, I am signed, sealed and delivered to you, and think about it: I can’t read text messages.”

The AP’s gubernatorial historian says, “While Paterson is the first legally blind governor, there have been many who are morally or ethically blind, including Mr. Paterson's predecessor, Eliot Spitzer, and the President of the United States who was the Governor of Texas.”

BREAKING NEWS: SPITZER TO ADMIT RPS

Albany, March 10, AP). According to a New York Times story this afternoon, Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York will hold a press conference later today and admit to using the services of a group of high-priced call girls.

A highly-placed administration source said today, “Obviously, he didn’t get enough at home and outsourced some of his production needs. It wasn’t only his neck that was stiff.”

It is believed that Spitzer will claim illness, the newly documented Restless Putz Syndrome (RPS), and submit himself for treatment.

SECRET TV SCRIPT REVEALED

Washington March 8, 2008 (AP). The Apocryphal Press has secured an advance copy of a secret TV announcement script. The full text follows.

Video: Establishing shot. An impressive, columned building seen from the front at an angle. A man stands in front of the building. The camera zooms in and sweeps quickly to the man’s level. Cut to a full-length view of the man from the front. He is well-dressed in a Wall Street way, and wears a sad expression. He reaches down to his right trouser pocket as the camera zooms in on it for extreme close up. The man pulls the pocket out to show its emptiness. The camera pans to his despairing face as it looks up at the building. Tears form in his eyes.

Voice over: [excited] Good credit? Bad credit? No Credit? No problem! No proof of ability to pay? Write your own, we’ll believe it!! [quieter] I’m Ben Bernanke and I can help. If your bank is broke because you did a few foolish things, there’s no reason to despair. I’ll fund your idiotic sub-prime mortgage losses [emphatic] and give YOU the ability to do it again and again. How can I do that? Do you really want to know? Call ME at 1-800-urbroke or go to http://www.pushover.gov.

Video: [rolls as the VO says “give YOU”] Money is thrown out of a high window in the building, and the smiling man picks it up, grins at the camera, stuffs his pockets and runs.]

BUSH VETOES BILL TO OUTLAW WATERBOARDING

Washington March 8, 2008 (AP). President Bush today vetoed legislation to bar waterboarding by the CIA and explaned his action in the following statement.

”My fellow Americans. The Democrat Congress has sent me legislation that violates the fundamental fairness of our people. Waterboarding is an innocent pastime, a sport enjoyed for generations by tanned young people in California who put on their doggers and catch the gnarly waves, hang ten, and shoot the curls.

As the poet wrote,

If everybody had an ocean

Across the U.S.A.

Then everybody’d be waterboardin’

Like Californ-I-A.

And now the Democrat Congress wants to outlaw this innocent sport. They are nothing but dweebs and hodaddies. Cowabunga, dudes. Waterboard on!”

LOWERING ARIZONA March 5, 2008

Washington. Arizona senator and Republican presidential candidate John McCain is expected to receive the endorsement of President Bush at a White House luncheon today, according to the British newspaper, The Guardian. A Bush spokesman said the President finally made up his mind after Mike Huckabee withdrew, leaving McCain as the only entry. He said Bush carefully weighed his choices but the President felt it had become “almost a no-brainer,” or, as the President himself said, “DUUUUUUUHHH!!!”

After lunch, McCain will travel to Hackensack, New Jersey, to receive the endorsement of mob boss, Tony Soprano, over dinner at Artie Bucco’s restaurant, Vesuvio. McCain advisers think the boss’ endorsement will be valuable because, “T is a lot more popular than the fuckin’ cocksuckah in the White House.”

He added that while Soprano liked McCain’s opposition to gun control, the deciding factor was the prospect of “a broad or a mulignane” becoming “the capo di tutti capi.”

Phoenix. Republican State Representative Karen S. Johnson, is sponsoring a law to permit people to carry guns on state campuses. A self-described “right-wing wacko,” Johnson wants students and faculty to be able to defend themselves against the no-wing wackos who commit mass murders. She said the plan would be safe because permits would be denied to anyone planning to commit mass murder.

Johnson also favors a bill to permit students and faculty to ride horses, carry lassos, and say “Yippie yi yo kayah.” Johnson said she would call the campus vigilantes, “The Posse Dementatis,” then left for a group therapy session at the “I’m OK, You’re OK Corral.”

NEWS ROUNDUP March 1, 2008

JLO HAS ANOTHER SET OF TWINS

Hollywood. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have named their new twins Max and Emme. Her other twins, Left Buttock and Right Buttock, are long-time winners of the Golden Globes Award .

Baghdad. Violent civilian deaths in Iraq rose 36 percent in February after a series of large-scale bombings, Iraqi government figures showed. President Bush offered legislation to swap these figures with falling stock prices, thus achieving positive outcomes on both fronts.

Las Vegas. Police here are investigating the deadly poison, Ricin, found in a motel room with an “anarchist type textbook.” To the question of why the occupant had left the room without the ricin and book, Mayor Oscar Goodman replied, “What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas.” Nevertheless, bartenders on the strip were ordered to refrain from asking, “what’s your poison?”

Cathedral City, California. A pastor here painted the word “eternity” on the roof of his church, possibly contravening a local ordinance. In response, the rabbi of the local temple painted the word “Fiddler” on the roof. "Tradition," the rabbi explained.

Mosul, Iraq. Gunmen yesterday kidnapped the Chaldean Catholic archbishop of Mosul on Friday and his fate and whereabouts are unknown. Experts on Islam said that the cleric might be tortured in numerous ways but not whipped, because “the Koran forbids flogging the bishop.”

Detroit. A new law in New Jersey prohibits text messaging while driving. Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick commented, “They think text messages are dangerous, but they don’t know the half of it.”

Columbus, Ohio. Victoria’s Secret today announced a slip in sales. The CEO of the globe-girdling company said, “I feel like a boob, because sexy bras don't support our image and fail to provide uplift in sales.” VS is no longer stocking sexy hosiery, and would discontinue the plunging string bikini known as the Dipthong. “We won’t be a pantywaist in the highly competitive undie-world,” VS said.