APOCRYPHAL PRESS NEWS ROUNDUP

“give a man a frying pan and he can fry a latke, give him a huge bonus and he can spend Chanukah in Hawaii.” - Goldman Sachs

Dec 23, 2011 (AP). Ron Paul withdraws twenty year old bigotry. According to a Reuters dispatch, a twenty year old fund-raising letter sent, and apparently signed, by presidential candidate Ron Paul, made appeals to racism and homophobia. Mr. Paul has now retracted those statements as urged by his son, entertainer Rue Paul.

Turkey cuts off the French. Turkey has curtailed diplomatic relations with France after its parliament passed a law making it a crime to deny the Turkish genocide of Armenians eighty or ninety years ago. Turkey said it had always been a peace loving nation and, unless the law was repealed, it would send troops to Marseille and cut off every Frenchman’s Bouillabaisse.

In a related story, House Speaker John Boehner introduced legislation to make it a crime to deny the Laffer curve.

APOCRYPHAL PRESS NEWS BULLETIN

WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCES PRESIDENT’S CONVERSION TO CATHOLICISM. A White House spokesman told reporters in a hastily convened briefing that President Obama has converted to Catholicism for the express purpose of confessing his sin in bullying House Republicans to force approval of a temporary two-month extension of the payroll tax holiday. He showed a video taken inside a confessional where a tearful Obama confessed that not only had he bullied his congressional adversaries but that it felt good, which made him feel even guiltier. The priest told him to say five hail-Marys and “give him hell, Barry!”

APOCRYPHAL PRESS NEWS ROUNDUP

Dec 20, 2011 (AP). The White House. President Barack Obama announced today a compromise deal with his wife, Michelle in which she agreed to sleep with the President for a week in return for his binding promise never to ask her again for sex. The President said that while he didn’t get everything he asked for, it was the most he could get under very difficult circumstances and would save the family $1.2 billion over the next decade in condom, lubricant, and medical expenses.

Conservative Think Tank adds new scholars. The Washington Zoo announced that their three recently escaped monkeys have joined the conservative think-tank Pro Pecuniae Privatus and would be renamed “Hear No Liberal, See No Liberal, and Speak No Liberal.” Think tank President, Glenn Dreck, said the monkeys are “the smartest primates in Washington.” They will spend their days at the proverbial typewriters, and their nights as Fox News analysts.

Religious news. An investigation is under way into the disappearance of millions of dollars from a New York synagogue headed by Orthodox Rabbi Yoshiyahu Yosef Pinto, 38. Rabbi Pinto has high-level followers including members of Congress, business leaders, and, according to the Times, “Even LeBron James, who is not Jewish, borrowed a friend’s yacht to consult the rabbi in private.” Asked for comment Rabbi Pinto said, “I’m shocked. Shocked! Are you telling me LeBron James isn’t Jewish?”

APOCRYPHAL PRESS NEWS ROUNDUP

The Senate. A Republican filibuster today blocked President Obama’s appointment of Richard Cordray as head of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, an agency created by Congress. Republican Senate leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, said his party had made clear for months that it would not approve a leader for the watchdog consumer agency until the law that established it was amended. He added, “excuse me; I have to go back to holding my breath until I turn blue.” To demonstrate the profound effect of his self-imposed apnea, McConnell lowered his trousers, bent over, and hummed “Blue Moon of Kentucky.”

McConnell’s spokesperson said the Senator will next offer a resolution to require the President to obtain prior Congressional approval to urinate or defecate.

The campaign. Newt Gingrich said today that his books effectively conveyed his views and values. They are “the cultural wing of what we’re doing; I am a cultural teacher, with a political campaign to change a government. And that’s how I see myself.” Robert Burns, the long-dead bard of Scotland returned momentarily to comment: “O wad some Power the giftie gie us, To see oursels as ithers see us!”

A.P. joke editor, Sheki Mbeki, said a punch line would be as superfluous as a Democrat in the Senate.

Apocryphal Press Help Wanted Ad. POTUS needs a literate Democrat with the patience of Job and a deep understanding of political campaigns to read and annotate Newt Gingrich’s 25 mind-numbing non-fiction and fiction books for sound-bite and bumper-sticker sized excerpts that portray Mr. Gingrich in a light even worse than that in which he shows himself by his public statements. Must be prepared to search tirelessly for contradictions, disagreements, and flip-flops. Good pay and benefits including a fully-funded 24/7 suicide watch. No present or former employee of Fox News need apply.

APOCRYPHAL PRESS SUNDAY NEWS ROUNDUP DECEMBER 4, 2011

The top story today is Herman Cain’s “suspension” of his presidential campaign. He denied accusations that “9,9,9” is “6,6,6” upside down, and accused his accusers and the media of hurting his dear wife who is “ . . . the most important woman in the world to me, when I’m home.”

Mr. Cain announced he would enter the private sector as a head hunter. His employment agency will be called, “Hey Honey, You Wanna A Job?”

Economics. Christopher A. Sims of Princeton and Thomas Sargent of N.Y.U. were awarded this year’s Nobel Prize in economics for their elegant mathematical work in failing to predict the current economic crisis. Professor Sims said, “I’m surprised but gratified that my work has been recognized and I will get a large cash prize. My retirement plan has tanked, my house is almost worthless, and my investment in sub-prime mortgage securities has turned, well, to excrement.

Finance. Goldman Sachs announces bonus formulas to its top executives to bring their compensation in line with college football coaches, according to chief executive, Tommy “Three Card” Monti, who said, “keeping our talented executives is second only to acquiring all the money in the world.” New Ohio State football coach, Urban Meyer, was outraged and enforced a provision in his contract doubling the number of cheerleaders he gets for his personal use.

Sports. The Detroit Lions traded suspended defensive tackle, Ndamukong Suh, to Michael Vick for a pit-bull and two draft choices. Head coach Jim Schmidt said, “The dog is quick, vicious, smart, and easier to train.” He observed that losing Suh for the Sunday night game against New Orleans is proof that the supernatural phenomenon known as “The Detroit Triangle” has not budged from its epicenter over Ford Field.

Mr. Suh, suspended for two games for practicing Flamenco dancing on the body of a Green Bay Packers player, defended himself by producing a pair of castanets and singing “Malaguena,” for which two additional games were added to his sentence.