APOCRYPHAL PRESS SUNDAY MAGAZINE ETHICIST

The APOCRYPHAL PRESS Sunday magazine proudly introduces its new ethics column and its first anointed Ethicist, Randy Conehead. Mr. Conehead is from France. He is a professional juggler and male stripper.

THE REIGN OF McCAIN WANTS MAINLY TO EXPLAIN

Dear AP Sunday Magazine Ethicist.

As the senior senator from a southwestern state and candidate for president on a major party ticket, I ask that you withhold my name. For years, I’ve been hiding my conservative credentials by taking an occasional walk on the wild side of reform. In 2002 for example, I was a co-sponsor of the [name withheld—ed.] –Feingold Act that reformed Federal campaigns. I have been very proud of that legislation because it permits me to pretend I’m some sort of wild-eyed liberal all the while posturing to conservatives.

This week, the Supreme Court struck down part of that law, the “millionaire’s amendment.” Ordinarily, I’d just blame the court for “judicial activism.”

Unfortunately, two of the justices in the majority were appointed with my enthusiastic support. That’s bad enough, but here’s the hair-puller: on my website I inveigh against my prospective opponents’ support of “activist judges.” Here’s a quote:

“Senators [name withheld—ed.] and [name withheld—ed.] have very different ideas from my own. They . . . don't seem to mind at all when fundamental questions of social policy are preemptively decided by judges instead of by the people and their elected representatives . . .

“. . . Chief Justice Roberts and Justice Samuel Alito . . . would serve as the model for my own nominees if that responsibility falls to me.”

How do I explain that the very judges I raved about struck down my reform legislation?

Name Withheld.

Dear Senator Name Withheld:

You think you are hoist with your own petard, but look at the bright side. If elected, you can sponsor all the reform legislation you want, knowing it will be happily struck down by the judges you appoint. Sounds to me like the best of all possible worlds. And by the way, your boys have also relieved you of parading around supporting gun control and arguing about the second amendment. That ought to save your “Straight Talk Express” quite a few four-dollar gallons. Send them a thank you note.

OBAMA SUSPENDED FOR SECRECY BREACH

Cambridge, Mass, June 15, 2008 (AP). Terrorist fraternity Delta Lambda Phi announced today it was changing its infamous fist jab salute after being outed by Fox News anchor E. D. Hill. According to frat president, Osama “Chip” Mohammed, member Barack “Bucky” Obama had been suspended for his infraction of secrecy rules. Obama will be barred from meetings and frat parties for six months, while his wife, Michelle “Muffy” Obama, will be publicly paddled at the next monthly kegger.

“Prexy Chip” would not reveal whether a new salute had been adopted.

In other news, U.S. President Georgie “Dubya” Bush suffered minor injuries after a slap in the face by German Chancellor Angela Merkel following Bush’s use of the administration’s fraternity handshake on Merkel's torso.

FEMA ACTS IN WAKE OF SECOND CRANE COLLAPSE

Washington, May 30, 2008 (AP). After New York’s second fatal crane collapse in recent months, The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) announced that it would order the City to remove all cranes from zoos, and forbid the sale of Crain’s New York Business and all old movies starring Jeanne Crain.

Asked if it wouldn’t be more efficient to order the city to enact and enforce strin­gent regulations on construction cranes, a FEMA spokesman said, “This administration opposes regulation of business.”

In related news, President Bush said he was giving up mumblety-peg out of respect for the families of those killed in crane-related fatalities.