International.
Myanmar. U.S. Secretary of State Clinton announced today restoration of diplomatic relations with Myanmar following reforms including the release of political prisoners and a cease fire with Karen rebels. The full text of her message:
Stopped shooting at the rebels
Released jailed critics brave
We welcome your ambassador
With a Burma Wave.
Israel The health department has ordered saliva tests for Ultra Orthodox Jews who spat on an eight year old Modern Orthodox girl walking to school through their neighborhood in Beit Shemesh. A department spokesman said, “Maybe they’re all on steroids. Haven’t you ever wondered how they carry around those heavy Torahs week after week?
On the campaign trail.
Gingrich. The AP’s private detective, reports that Newt Gringrich’s foreplay is to mount Calista from the rear, spank her butt, and cry, “Who’s your daddy now, Mitt?”
Cain. Herman Cain “unsuspended” his campaign and announced his new “1,1,1” plan to reduce poverty and unemployment. Instead of welfare, food stamps, and unemployment compensation the government will issue to each qualified applicant 1 mask, 1 gun, and 1 list of 7/11 stores in his or her area. “Everybody benefits,” Cain says. “the government will save billions, poor people will work and support themselves, and the NRA will contribute to my campaign. 1,1,1, is win-win-win.”
In a related story, Mr. Cain tried to get on the primary ballot in Missa-missa- sip-sip-sip sippitty sip pee” but can’t find it on the “mapitty mapmap mapmap.”
Second amendment.
The National Rifle Association announced its plan to supply pediatricians with tiny low-caliber pistols to give their patients instead of lolly pops. The campaign will be called “Small Arms for Little Hands.”
