NADER TO RUN AGAIN,AGAIN, AGAIN

NADIR NADER ANNOUNCES CANDIDACY

Washington February 24, AP). Over-the hill consumer advocate Ralph Nader announced today his candidacy for President of the United States on the Bottom of the Barrel ticket. He addressed directly the most serious charge against him: that in the 2000 election he was a Republican dirty trick because they helped him circulate nominating petitions. He said, “I am no longer a Republican dirty trick. I am an independant dirty trick. No one wants to help me anymore”

Mr. Nader said he was not troubled by the fact that his support in the 2004 election dropped to well under 1% of the voters, saying he would follow in the footsteps of such great Presidents as William Jennings Bryan and Harold Stassen.

He then took his supporters out to lunch at Wendy’s

NEWS ROUNDUP February 23, 2008

Washington, February 23, (AP). Fraud a no-no for members of Congress. Congressman Rick Renzi (R-Ariz), whose “honesty and integrity” were recently lauded by Senator John McCain, was indicted this week on 35 counts of corruption, including fraud, money laundering, and other crimes. Representative John A. Boehner (R-Ohio) said the charges “are completely unacceptable for a member of Congress.” Asked for whom the charges would be acceptable, Boehner threatened to have the reporter waterboarded.

Administration loses intelligence. Bush administration officials said today that since the temporary law exempting phone companies from lawsuits for cooperating with unlawful surveillance requests expired, “we have lost intelligence information.” Asked how they knew what they’d lost if they didn’t get any information; the officials put on monacles and a German accent. “You have relatives, perhaps, in ze old country?” said one. The other, through his cigarette holder, hissed, “veeeeery interesting. But shtupid! Your kids vill be vaterboarded.”

Paper hints that McCain does it. Evangelical Christians were shocked last week at a New York Times story that suggested presidential candidate John McCain might have a penis and used it. One mom said, “How dare the Times print these things. How can we bring up our children with that kind of dirty talk?” Asked whether talking about her child called attention to the possibility that she’d had sexual relations, the Mom waterboarded the reporter.

In a related story, responding to the Justice Department’s inquiry into its legal approval of waterboarding, an administration official said, “Waterboarding? C’mon, it’s the new hula hoop.”

REPUBLICANS ANNOUNCE CONVENTION AGENDA

Washington, February 23, 2008 (AP). The Republican National Committee announced today its agenda for next year’s national convention. It is reproduced here in its entirety.

2008 Republican National Convention

2:00. Children hunt for weapons of mass destruction on the White House Lawn.

6:00 Parol officers’ reception and hospitality suite. Rush Limbaugh will serve Oxycontin.

6:15 Mr. Limbaugh will speak on “Why We Must Not Be Soft on Drug Addicts.”

7:00 Convention opens with symbolic shredding of the constitution.

7:15 Invocation. Text based on the story of the burning Bush.

8:00 Reading of good wishes from our colleagues in prison, on parole, indicted or under investigation

8:30 Thank you note for services rendered to Ralph Nader in 2000.

8:35 Thank you note for services rendered from Ralph Nader 2000.

8:45 Ex-Congressman Tom DeLay on “does Christian charity require us to subsidize insurance companies and Haliburton?”

9:00 Former Senator Bill Frist will attempt to chat by telepathy with Terry Schiavo’s brain.

9:05 Former Senator Bill Frist will attempt to chat by telepathy with George W. Bush’s brain.

9:06 Former Congressman Mark Foley (R-Fla) on “Why We Care For Children.”

9:15 Donald “you’ve done a heckuva job” Brown on “The Peter Principle.”

9:30 Burning of scientists at the stake.

10:00 Music break: The Bob Jones University Band plays, Tchaikovsky’s “Dance of the Fetuses,” followed by Gershwin’s “A Stem Cell in Paris.”

10:30 President Bush on why criticism is unpatriotic.

11:00 Address by Vice-President Cheney. “Eight years ago our country had a huge surplus, a balanced budget, a healthy balance of payments, respect for our leadership in the world, and was at peace. We took care of those problems as quickly as we could.”

11:30 Video Keynote Address by Jack Abramoff – “Privatizing Congress.”

12:00 Nomination of John McCain for President. Let the dirty tricks begin.

PORN DIRECTOR DENIES USE OF PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS

Los Angeles, February 18, 2008. (AP). Noted porn director, Martin Scores-Easy, denied today that his actors use performance enhancing drugs, such as HGH or hardness/ growth hormone, referring reporters to his attorney, Johnny Cock Ring.
Scores-Easy then took the opportunity to plug his new film about unprotected sex, Bareback Mountain, starring Peter O. Tool.

Scores-Easy has been a porn mainstay since his ground-breaking debut, The Godfather’s Parts, I, II, and III. Although many critics thought III was somewhat limp, they praised its thought-provoking treatment of olive oil as a sexual lubricant. Scores-Easy followed quickly with Dick Tracer, a private eye played by Warren Beatoff, and the mega-hits Doggie Day Afternoon, Malice: A Foreskin, and A Pack O’ Lips, NOW!!

After a long slump of several years duration, Scores-Easy made it back to the top with a series of hits beginning with the scatology fetish hit, Fecal Attraction, and Schlong Days: Journey into Night. He plans to follow up with a movie based on the hit musical Urine Town. After that Scores-Easy is considering a film about cops who force witnesses to reveal their private parts, tentatively called Base, Sick Instinct.

In related news, Congress unanimously denied that’s its investigations into cheating in baseball, football, and American Idol, were a waste of its time to distract voters.

NEWS ROUNDUP February 7, 2008

MAJOR CRIME FIGURE ELUDES POLICE DRAGNET

BROOKLYN. In breaking news today, Federal and state officials have taken into custody dozens of accused organized crime figures, including the entire Gambino family. Speaking anonymously, an FBI official said the only major figure to elude arrest was Tony Soprano who is believed to have fled his New Jersey mansion to parts unknown. The official said he had an airtight case against Soprano whose criminal career he has watched for years on video tape, and added, we’ll fuckin’ nail the fuckin’ cocksucker.”

LITTLE ROCK. Yesterday, five Southern states suffered an unusually fierce and dangerous winter tornado system. Officials believe that the tornados resulted from the sudden drop in hot air immediately following Super Tuesday.

MOSCOW. The principal election-observation organization in Europe today said it would not send observers to monitor Russia’s election on March 2, citing severe restrictions imposed by the Russian government. Tom Ridge, the first Secretary of Homeland Security who designed the color-coded alert system that has done so much for comedians said he would step in to gauge the fairness of the election using his “banana republic standard,” that rates elections on a scale of five bananas for the worst to “Yes! We have no bananas.”

ATLANTA. Wachovia bank has been forced by recently discovered internal documents including an email that said “YIKES!! DOUBLE YIKES!!” to admit that it knew its accounts were helping fraudulent telemarketers cash unauthorized and unsigned checks. The bank made large profits on the accounts by charging for each fraudulent check that was made good. Wachovia, the nation’s fourth largest bank, said, “We helped meet the housing needs of the poor by investing the profits in sub-prime mortgage securities.”