CULTURAL REPORT; EXTRA TERRESTRIAL INTERVIEWED

AP cultural critic Sheki Mbeki reports he recently interviewed an extra-terrestrial who says he’s a cousin of Superman’s father, Jor-el. His name is Schmu-el. He was sent to earth to observe and report. He says that, unlike native Earthlings he has no preconceived notions and therefore he sees things as they actually are. Such as:

The President of the United States is a fascist, socialist, communist, racist who behaves like Hitler, Stalin, and Mao Tse Tung, and wants to kill your grandmother.

The wisest man in the United States is Glenn Beck, who sees things as they really are and isn’t afraid to speak the truth - in a fair and balanced manner.

A man who holds high public office and commits an embarrassing sexual transgression is called “Democrat” or “Republican.” The same is true for people who engage in financial corruption, except that in New Jersey some of them are also called “Rabbi.”

A man who says he converses with the departed is called “fake.” A man who says he can speak with a brain-dead, comatose woman is called “Senator.”

A person who causes terror by unofficially bombing civilian targets killing and maiming many civilians is called "terrorist," and the dead and wounded are called "victims."A person who causes terror by bombing civilian targets on behalf of a government is called "soldier" and the dead and wounded are called "collateral damage."

A financier who takes a heavy risk with other people’s money that succeeds is called “genius” and gets an enormous bonus. Another financier who takes a heavy risk that fails, causing many to lose their life savings, is called “incompetent” (or worse) and gets an enormous bonus.

In professional basketball, a player with the ball who pushes a defensive player out of the way is guilty of a charging foul. Except for the king of players, Shaquille Oneil: if he pushes someone out of the way with his butt the defensive player is guilty of a blocking foul. If the defensive player is thus thrown to the floor and badly injured he is charged with a flagrant foul.

From watching what Schmu-el describes as “sexual training videos” on the “internet” he has learned that the average American man’s penis is about eight inches long - and longer when erect - and a “baby sitter” is a thirtyish woman in a cheap blonde wig, wearing a parody of a Catholic school girl’s uniform, five inch heels, fake braces, fake pigtails and fake breasts. She is sexually voracious and shaves her pubic area twice daily. Schmu-el reports that he is fascinated with these videos and expects to learn much more from them.

Your reporter hopes to learn much in the future from this sage with the vision of a child.