NEWS ROUNDUP

University Of Michigan Sued Over Stadium

Ann Arbor, April 21 (AP). A suit on behalf of Russia against the University of Michigan was filed today in United States District Court seeking an injunction to prevent completion of Michigan Stadium renovations because of what the plaintiff’s lawyer described as “a startling resemblance to the classic design of Moscow’s Lubyanka Prison.” He asked that the venue be changed when the Judge, the bailiff and the court reporter joined the Defense attorney in singing “Hail to the Victors.”

Delta To Add Charges for Bags

Atlanta, April 21 (AP). Delta airlines announced today it would charge senior citizens $25.00 each for bags under their eyes. This follows yesterday’s announced psychiatric screening of passengers for emotional baggage, and a set-up charge to passengers who bring food aboard. An old man with a neurotic attachment to his mother and a salami sandwich could be expected to pay as much as $125 in add-ons on a typical Detroit to Dallas flight. Elderly frequent flyers are advised that it would be cheaper to have the bags removed surgically.

Accused Pirate Arrives in New York

New York, April 21 (AP). Suspected Somali pirate Abduhl Wali-i-Musi arrived in New York today to plead to a charge of piracy. The judge began the plea hearing asking the suspect, “got a little of the Captain in ya?” The suspect would say only, “arrrggghhh!”