"The best way to preserve our freedom is to run off at the mouth." N. Nonymous
"Give a man a pencil and he can write what he wants; give him a computer and he can annoy the world." Sheki Mbeki, Contributing Editor.
Welcome to The Apocryphal Press
The Apocryphal Press (AP) satirizes the real news. Any resemblance to real news just shows how badly it needs satirizing. All content is by Marty Smith, who is jackass enough to own up to it in public. Note that postings written before this blog's January 23, 2008 debut were back dated to their appropriate places in history, Three of them go back to 2007. Laugh if you will, cry if you must, bitch if you want to.
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New York, April 21 (AP). According to the New York Times, Major League Baseball has an “army of authenticators . . . a team of 120 active and retired law-enforcement officials watching every game from up close . . .” to detect violations of MLB’s copyrights in paraphernalia using its logo. When Jorge Posada of the Yankees hit a homer on opening day, an authenticator ran to centerfield to examine and authenticate the ball. According to the standup comedian and social commentator Sheki Mbeki, MLB’s vigorous defense of its property rights “is an operation shock and awe compared to its limp steroid enforcement,” and “a fine example of putting your money where your money is.”
Hall of Fame Apology
Cincinnati, April 21 (AP). Mississippi basketball coach Andy Kennedy pled guilty to a reduced charge to avoid jail on accusations that he punched and taunted a cab driver. Kennedy said he apologized “"for any role that I may have played in this unfortunate situation." This cavil-ier dismissal of his bad behavior was immediately placed in contention for a spot in the Museum of Non-Apologies (MONA) alongside such classics as “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and “I’m sorry you didn’t like our service.”
Lions Improve Logo
Detroit April 21 (AP). The Detroit Lions announced a new, improved logo that is considerably fiercer looking than the old one. A spokesperson for the team said, “Every Lion helmet will sport this fear-inducing logo that will strike terror into the hearts of opponents, something our players haven’t been able to do since the Eisenhower administration. Hopefully, it will help our team improve its record to 1-15.” Asked why the Lions didn’t get better players the spokesperson said, “Who do you think William Clay Ford is, George Steinbrenner?”
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