SEC SUES LIONS EXECS

Detroit April 19, 2010(AP). Revelations that executives of the Detroit Lions have been selling the Lions won-loss record short for several years has brought a suit by the Securities and Exchange Commission alleging that the executives “built a team designed to fail.”

The case, filed in U.S. District Court in Detroit, alleges a complex construct of options and swaps all relating to the Lions performance in the NFL. An options product called the “Lions Victory Index” is at the heart of the alleged fraud. A new insurance-like product from AIG (Aiiiee, Gevalt) called “Loss Swaps” guarantees the success of the index shares. According to the complaint, the fraud began “as soon as Mr. Ford’s senility and incompetence became apparent. The swaps provide windfall profits as the Lions lose. The more they lose, the higher the market price of the swaps. You do the math.”

An attorney for Chairman William Clay Ford Sr. said “Mr. Ford is shocked. He will comment personally on the charges as soon as he can find his office.” Reading from a book called “Boilerplate Denials for Busy Attorneys,” he said, “We deny any fraud or wrong doing and we are confident that the Lions will prevail ultimately (not on the field, mind you because then we’d all go broke) and we will have a detailed statement as soon as we figure out what the hell happened.”

In other news, Massachusetts Republicans have nominated a prominent health-care executive as their candidate for Governor. Several people close to the nomination process, who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of being laughed at, said, “The idea was to get a health care lobbyist in public office, thereby eliminating the middle-man.”