CLASSIFIED AD: U.S. FOR SALE

LARGE (BADLY) USED NORTH AMERICAN NATION FOR SALE. This scenic country, with large, modern cities, spacious skies and beautiful topography featuring amber waves of grain, majestic purple mountains, and fruited plains, is bordered by two shining seas offering breathtaking ocean views in a variety of climate zones, and five Great Lakes, many not entirely polluted rivers, and is priced to sell. The lucky buyer will avail him or herself of magnificent recreational facilities, enormous profit potential, and huge reserves of untapped natural resources.

The Unites States of America, as its original builders called it, has fallen on hard times because of mismanagement, but is an ideal fixer-upper for the ambitious handy man or woman. A little plaster and paint and the U.S.A. will be fit to live in again.

No down payment required of the highly qualified buyer, just take over the large, assumable Chinese mortgage and move right in.

Call Bernanke, Paulsen, and Bush, Realtors at 1-800-WITSEND or go to firesale.USA.gov.

From an idea by University of Michigan senior, Jason Emmendorfer.

McCAIN: ECONOMY FUNDAMENTALS SOUND

New York, September 17, 2008 (AP) Senator John McCain, in New York’s financial district, was seriously injured today by falling stock prices and collapsing financial institutions, but through the rubble he was heard to say “the fundamentals of the economy are sound.”

McCain was rushed to The Hospital for Disingenuous Panders, where physicians pronounced him on the mend, but psychiatrists just scratched their heads.

Mistaking a muttered remark in the emergency room, a woozy McCain rolled up his speech and tried to force it through his anal sphincter without much success. Actual treatment began at once with an intravenous mixture of reality and truth serum.

In other news, Governor Sarah Palin told the father of daughter Bristol’s fetus, “That’s not what I meant when I said drill baby, drill.”

APOCRYPHAL PRESS SUNDAY MAGAZINE ETHICIST

The APOCRYPHAL PRESS Sunday magazine proudly introduces its new ethics column and its first anointed Ethicist, Randy Conehead. Mr. Conehead is from France. He is a professional juggler and male stripper.

THE REIGN OF McCAIN WANTS MAINLY TO EXPLAIN

Dear AP Sunday Magazine Ethicist.

As the senior senator from a southwestern state and candidate for president on a major party ticket, I ask that you withhold my name. For years, I’ve been hiding my conservative credentials by taking an occasional walk on the wild side of reform. In 2002 for example, I was a co-sponsor of the [name withheld—ed.] –Feingold Act that reformed Federal campaigns. I have been very proud of that legislation because it permits me to pretend I’m some sort of wild-eyed liberal all the while posturing to conservatives.

This week, the Supreme Court struck down part of that law, the “millionaire’s amendment.” Ordinarily, I’d just blame the court for “judicial activism.”

Unfortunately, two of the justices in the majority were appointed with my enthusiastic support. That’s bad enough, but here’s the hair-puller: on my website I inveigh against my prospective opponents’ support of “activist judges.” Here’s a quote:

“Senators [name withheld—ed.] and [name withheld—ed.] have very different ideas from my own. They . . . don't seem to mind at all when fundamental questions of social policy are preemptively decided by judges instead of by the people and their elected representatives . . .

“. . . Chief Justice Roberts and Justice Samuel Alito . . . would serve as the model for my own nominees if that responsibility falls to me.”

How do I explain that the very judges I raved about struck down my reform legislation?

Name Withheld.

Dear Senator Name Withheld:

You think you are hoist with your own petard, but look at the bright side. If elected, you can sponsor all the reform legislation you want, knowing it will be happily struck down by the judges you appoint. Sounds to me like the best of all possible worlds. And by the way, your boys have also relieved you of parading around supporting gun control and arguing about the second amendment. That ought to save your “Straight Talk Express” quite a few four-dollar gallons. Send them a thank you note.

OBAMA SUSPENDED FOR SECRECY BREACH

Cambridge, Mass, June 15, 2008 (AP). Terrorist fraternity Delta Lambda Phi announced today it was changing its infamous fist jab salute after being outed by Fox News anchor E. D. Hill. According to frat president, Osama “Chip” Mohammed, member Barack “Bucky” Obama had been suspended for his infraction of secrecy rules. Obama will be barred from meetings and frat parties for six months, while his wife, Michelle “Muffy” Obama, will be publicly paddled at the next monthly kegger.

“Prexy Chip” would not reveal whether a new salute had been adopted.

In other news, U.S. President Georgie “Dubya” Bush suffered minor injuries after a slap in the face by German Chancellor Angela Merkel following Bush’s use of the administration’s fraternity handshake on Merkel's torso.

FEMA ACTS IN WAKE OF SECOND CRANE COLLAPSE

Washington, May 30, 2008 (AP). After New York’s second fatal crane collapse in recent months, The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) announced that it would order the City to remove all cranes from zoos, and forbid the sale of Crain’s New York Business and all old movies starring Jeanne Crain.

Asked if it wouldn’t be more efficient to order the city to enact and enforce strin­gent regulations on construction cranes, a FEMA spokesman said, “This administration opposes regulation of business.”

In related news, President Bush said he was giving up mumblety-peg out of respect for the families of those killed in crane-related fatalities.

POPE SUBMITS BUSH FOR SAINTHOOD

The Vatican, May 14, (AP). Pope Benedict XVI announced today that he would submit the name of President George W. Bush for beatification, the first step to sainthood, after reading the news story yesterday reporting that Bush had quietly given up golf since August 2003, out of respect for the families of Americans killed in Iraq. “I don’t want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the Commander-in-Chief playing golf,” Bush said.

Explaining his decision, the Holy Father said, “He could have done some meaningless symbolic act that would cost him nothing, like improving the soldier’s equipment, or health care, or even bringing them home, but instead he chose a monumental personal sacrifice. This level of self-abnegation is on a par with the actions of Gandhi and Mother Theresa. To the best of my knowledge, neither of them ever gave up golf.”

NEWS ROUNDUP March 30, 2008

RINGLING BROTHERS WOO CANDIDATES

Sarasota, Fla. March 30, 2008 (AP). The Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Circus announced today it had made an offer to three Republican candidates, John McCain, Mitt Romney, and Rudy Giuliani, for exclusive rights to their famous high-wire act, “Flip, Flop and Flapdoodle.” A Ringling spokesman, said, “those guys, they get themselves caught saying things they can’t explain, even with Joe Lieberman whispering in their ears, and then get out of them like Houdini. And they work without a net.”

General Michael Hayden, new Director of the Central Intelligence Agency, told Tim Russert today on Meet the Press, that 70% of the Iraqi city of Basra is controlled by “militia, armed gangs, criminal elements.” He added, “this is worse than Detroit, except for its mayor’s office, which is controlled entirely by criminal elements.” Hayden said Iraqi President, Nouri al-Maliki, is sending troops led by his best generals, Said al-Larri, Muqtada Mo, and Abou Ben Curli to pacify the town.

Louisville, KY. The U.S. Attorney for the Western District of Kentucky, commenting on his failure to investigate multi-million dollar oil frauds in the district, said, “These are complex cases that take a lot of investigative time. Our priority right now is prosecuting Democrats and hookers. We don’t have time for real crime.” He also complained that he didn’t want his office to o break a long standing policy by hiring graduates of non-evangelical law schools.

In sports, the Big Ten’s representatives in the NCAA Tournament voluntarily dropped out, citing fatigue and the wish to spend more time with their families. Michigan State coach Tom Izzo said, “if they gave us more time to study our stock portfolios, maybe I wouldn’t have to do it during games.”