NEWS ROUNDUP March 30, 2008

RINGLING BROTHERS WOO CANDIDATES

Sarasota, Fla. March 30, 2008 (AP). The Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Circus announced today it had made an offer to three Republican candidates, John McCain, Mitt Romney, and Rudy Giuliani, for exclusive rights to their famous high-wire act, “Flip, Flop and Flapdoodle.” A Ringling spokesman, said, “those guys, they get themselves caught saying things they can’t explain, even with Joe Lieberman whispering in their ears, and then get out of them like Houdini. And they work without a net.”

General Michael Hayden, new Director of the Central Intelligence Agency, told Tim Russert today on Meet the Press, that 70% of the Iraqi city of Basra is controlled by “militia, armed gangs, criminal elements.” He added, “this is worse than Detroit, except for its mayor’s office, which is controlled entirely by criminal elements.” Hayden said Iraqi President, Nouri al-Maliki, is sending troops led by his best generals, Said al-Larri, Muqtada Mo, and Abou Ben Curli to pacify the town.

Louisville, KY. The U.S. Attorney for the Western District of Kentucky, commenting on his failure to investigate multi-million dollar oil frauds in the district, said, “These are complex cases that take a lot of investigative time. Our priority right now is prosecuting Democrats and hookers. We don’t have time for real crime.” He also complained that he didn’t want his office to o break a long standing policy by hiring graduates of non-evangelical law schools.

In sports, the Big Ten’s representatives in the NCAA Tournament voluntarily dropped out, citing fatigue and the wish to spend more time with their families. Michigan State coach Tom Izzo said, “if they gave us more time to study our stock portfolios, maybe I wouldn’t have to do it during games.”