2:00. Children hunt for weapons of mass destruction on the White House Lawn.
6:00 Parol officers’ reception and hospitality suite. Rush Limbaugh will serve Oxycontin.
6:15 Mr. Limbaugh will speak on “Why We Must Not Be Soft on Drug Addicts.”
7:00 Convention opens with symbolic shredding of the constitution.
7:15 Invocation. Text based on the story of the burning Bush.
8:00 Reading of good wishes from our colleagues in prison, on parole, indicted or under investigation
8:30 Thank you note for services rendered to Ralph Nader in 2000.
8:35 Thank you note for services rendered from Ralph Nader 2000.
8:45 Ex-Congressman Tom DeLay on “does Christian charity require us to subsidize insurance companies and Haliburton?”
9:00 Former Senator Bill Frist will attempt to chat by telepathy with Terry Schiavo’s brain.
9:05 Former Senator Bill Frist will attempt to chat by telepathy with George W. Bush’s brain.
9:06 Former Congressman Mark Foley (R-Fla) on “Why We Care For Children.”
9:15 Donald “you’ve done a heckuva job” Brown on “The Peter Principle.”
9:30 Burning of scientists at the stake.
10:00 Music break: The Bob Jones University Band plays, Tchaikovsky’s “Dance of the Fetuses,” followed by Gershwin’s “A Stem Cell in
10:30 President Bush on why criticism is unpatriotic.
11:00 Address by Vice-President Cheney. “Eight years ago our country had a huge surplus, a balanced budget, a healthy balance of payments, respect for our leadership in the world, and was at peace. We took care of those problems as quickly as we could.”
11:30 Video Keynote Address by Jack Abramoff – “Privatizing Congress.”
12:00 Nomination of John McCain for President. Let the dirty tricks begin.
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