MAJOR CRIME FIGURE ELUDES POLICE DRAGNET
BROOKLYN. In breaking news today, Federal and state officials have taken into custody dozens of accused organized crime figures, including the entire Gambino family. Speaking anonymously, an FBI official said the only major figure to elude arrest was Tony Soprano who is believed to have fled his New Jersey mansion to parts unknown. The official said he had an airtight case against Soprano whose criminal career he has watched for years on video tape, and added, we’ll fuckin’ nail the fuckin’ cocksucker.”
LITTLE ROCK. Yesterday, five Southern states suffered an unusually fierce and dangerous winter tornado system. Officials believe that the tornados resulted from the sudden drop in hot air immediately following Super Tuesday.
MOSCOW. The principal election-observation organization in Europe today said it would not send observers to monitor Russia’s election on March 2, citing severe restrictions imposed by the Russian government. Tom Ridge, the first Secretary of Homeland Security who designed the color-coded alert system that has done so much for comedians said he would step in to gauge the fairness of the election using his “banana republic standard,” that rates elections on a scale of five bananas for the worst to “Yes! We have no bananas.”
ATLANTA. Wachovia bank has been forced by recently discovered internal documents including an email that said “YIKES!! DOUBLE YIKES!!” to admit that it knew its accounts were helping fraudulent telemarketers cash unauthorized and unsigned checks. The bank made large profits on the accounts by charging for each fraudulent check that was made good. Wachovia, the nation’s fourth largest bank, said, “We helped meet the housing needs of the poor by investing the profits in sub-prime mortgage securities.”
No comments:
Post a Comment