JLO HAS ANOTHER SET OF TWINS
Hollywood. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have named their new twins Max and Emme. Her other twins, Left Buttock and Right Buttock, are long-time winners of the Golden Globes Award .
Baghdad. Violent civilian deaths in Iraq rose 36 percent in February after a series of large-scale bombings, Iraqi government figures showed. President Bush offered legislation to swap these figures with falling stock prices, thus achieving positive outcomes on both fronts.
Las Vegas. Police here are investigating the deadly poison, Ricin, found in a motel room with an “anarchist type textbook.” To the question of why the occupant had left the room without the ricin and book, Mayor Oscar Goodman replied, “What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas.” Nevertheless, bartenders on the strip were ordered to refrain from asking, “what’s your poison?”
Cathedral City, California. A pastor here painted the word “eternity” on the roof of his church, possibly contravening a local ordinance. In response, the rabbi of the local temple painted the word “Fiddler” on the roof. "Tradition," the rabbi explained.
Mosul, Iraq. Gunmen yesterday kidnapped the Chaldean Catholic archbishop of Mosul on Friday and his fate and whereabouts are unknown. Experts on Islam said that the cleric might be tortured in numerous ways but not whipped, because “the Koran forbids flogging the bishop.”
Detroit. A new law in New Jersey prohibits text messaging while driving. Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick commented, “They think text messages are dangerous, but they don’t know the half of it.”
Columbus, Ohio. Victoria’s Secret today announced a slip in sales. The CEO of the globe-girdling company said, “I feel like a boob, because sexy bras don't support our image and fail to provide uplift in sales.” VS is no longer stocking sexy hosiery, and would discontinue the plunging string bikini known as the Dipthong. “We won’t be a pantywaist in the highly competitive undie-world,” VS said.
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