The top story today is Herman Cain’s “suspension” of his presidential campaign. He denied accusations that “9,9,9” is “6,6,6” upside down, and accused his accusers and the media of hurting his dear wife who is “ . . . the most important woman in the world to me, when I’m home.”
Mr. Cain announced he would enter the private sector as a head hunter. His employment agency will be called, “Hey Honey, You Wanna A Job?”
Economics. Christopher A. Sims of Princeton and Thomas Sargent of N.Y.U. were awarded this year’s Nobel Prize in economics for their elegant mathematical work in failing to predict the current economic crisis. Professor Sims said, “I’m surprised but gratified that my work has been recognized and I will get a large cash prize. My retirement plan has tanked, my house is almost worthless, and my investment in sub-prime mortgage securities has turned, well, to excrement.
Finance. Goldman Sachs announces bonus formulas to its top executives to bring their compensation in line with college football coaches, according to chief executive, Tommy “Three Card” Monti, who said, “keeping our talented executives is second only to acquiring all the money in the world.” New Ohio State football coach, Urban Meyer, was outraged and enforced a provision in his contract doubling the number of cheerleaders he gets for his personal use.
Sports. The Detroit Lions traded suspended defensive tackle, Ndamukong Suh, to Michael Vick for a pit-bull and two draft choices. Head coach Jim Schmidt said, “The dog is quick, vicious, smart, and easier to train.” He observed that losing Suh for the Sunday night game against New Orleans is proof that the supernatural phenomenon known as “The Detroit Triangle” has not budged from its epicenter over Ford Field.
Mr. Suh, suspended for two games for practicing Flamenco dancing on the body of a Green Bay Packers player, defended himself by producing a pair of castanets and singing “Malaguena,” for which two additional games were added to his sentence.
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